Grandma Asks Flannel-Wearing Teen If She Has Any Boyfriends Yet
While some may believe that having exactly three nails trimmed, box-dyed hair and the classic red and black flannel thrown over every single outfit may constitute a sufficient substitution for a coming-out announcement, the baby boomer generation tends to miss the memo. While no one wants to explain their sapphic tendencies to their 85-year-old grandmother over her birthday dinner, dodging the dreaded “do you have any boyfriends yet?” question has become its own professional sport. Ultimately, the disappointment on her face when the response she receives is “no, not yet” feels as if she was told, “no Grandma, there’s no point in trying to stay alive for my wedding.” When the only other alternatives are to come out of the closet that’s been open for years or create a fake boyfriend like the plot of Noah Centineo’s next Netflix Original, sometimes it's easier to just let Grammie keep ignoring the hints.
“She’s a sweet girl, but she’s never going to find a man looking like that,” said Margaret Edwards, grandmother of 18-year-old lesbian Paige Edwards. “When I was her age, I was married to a man seven years older than me and was happy with our arrangement; I cooked and cleaned while he cheated on me with his secretary and paid for my hair appointments. I just want that same happy relationship for her.” While the two seemingly have little in common, they do find ways to enjoy their time together. “I do love our weekly trips to the local cat cafe,” says Margaret, “I think she enjoys the kittens’ company even more than I do. One of her favorite songs is called ‘Pussy Is God’ which seems a bit exaggerated, but if it makes her happy, that’s all I can hope for.”
“She thinks that Lady Gaga is a disgrace to the nation, so I figured I might as well just keep telling her that I can’t make Sunday supper because I have to volunteer at a hospital when in reality, I’m usually going to see my girlfriend,” said FSU freshman and Margaret’s granddaughter Paige Edwards. “The rest of my family knows I’m gay, but we thought we might as well just wait it out instead of watching her try to figure out how a relationship could work without an undeserved sense of superiority with a penis. She already has kidney failure, and there’s no use in revealing myself as an avid sinner in her last couple of years,” Edwards explained with a relatively blank stare. “Honestly, sometimes my grandma seems to be way too close with her nurse, but she still voted for Trump and Rick Scott. I don’t think there’s any way we’re going to relate on the vagina front or basic human rights.”
From traditional grandmothers to racist uncles, it seems that everyone in the family is begging for their alternative relatives to be a raging slut as long as its with the opposite sex. While everyone else seems to get the hint from the softball uniform, love of the “L-word,” or the shaved undercut, everyone over 45 still thinks that the gays are only found on “Queer Eye.” In the meantime, queer teens everywhere should continue living their best lives - Meemaw’s only got a good five years left in her, anyways.