So You Lost Your Virginity...Now What?

Ah, Valentine’s Day: the celebration of love, chocolate, and most importantly, sex. Many people go their whole lives in search of the one conquest that matters in life (sex), and an unsurprising amount of said population achieves this goal (having sex) on the exact day they’re expected to. Unfortunately, life can feel almost meaningless after making thick in the warm, and it’s hard to know what you’re even supposed to do after such a momentous triumph. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best options for you (or a friend of a friend of a friend) who might have been deflowered recently. 

1. Cry Because Your Innocence Is Gone

Virginity is a social construct, and we buy into it all the way, baby. The first step is to cry in your car on the drive home or in the bathroom of the upperclassman who ushered you into adulthood. You can’t beat a good old fashioned “my childhood is over” breakdown, and this is your chance to have one. Go on and drive to Cascades Park and reminisce on the days when you weren’t a sinner in God’s eyes. Throw on your 2010s throwback Spotify playlist while everyone else in The Edison parking lot wonders what the fuck is wrong with you. If you wait two more hours, you can even enjoy an overpriced parfait.

2. Do It Again

Congratulations! This is huge. Now that you’ve finally gotten that tedious ole first time out of the way and you think he made you c*m, you can pretty much do whatever you want—at least until you inevitably become strangely attached to whoever you lost it to. If that’s the case, then get ready for a lot of late nights staying up journaling by the streetlight streaming in through your open window. If it’s not, then have fun on your sexual rumspringa, you sly dog, you. 

3. Tell Your Friends and Family

Nothing beats coming back to your dorm common room and announcing to all of your roommates that you’ve had sex for the first time. They’ll be excited, envious, and maybe even a little mad at you for interrupting their hang time. Screw it, call your mom! Tell Ma all about how you consummated your college career with the one guy at the party chompin’ on a puff bar. She’ll be so proud to hear that you’re out in the world doing you! 

Now that you’ve lost your innocence and virtue, it’s time to go out and truly experience life. High-five a stranger and do a little limp down the street to one of your pump-up jams. Cry in random public places or even in an empty bathtub and think to yourself, “wow...this is just like the movies.” Your options for life post-sex are boundless, and don’t forget to save the condom wrapper as a souvenir!