How-To: Picking the Perfect Body Pillow for Your Roommate After Their Valentines Day Breakup

It’s been days since your roommate got her heart broken on the single most overly romanticized day of the year, and they just can’t seem to move on. Maybe it’s the four bottles of rosé they single-handedly demolished that have got everyone concerned, though that borderline alcoholism could easily be blamed on her self-proclaimed “wine mom” tendencies. But paired with the grunge-ass B.O.-scented sweatshirt of his that she refuses to take off and her diving into her fourth tear-filled viewing of “To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You,” you may need to step in for some damage control. Answer these 5 simple questions to figure out that perfect rebound body pillow to get your roommate out of their rut and back to their sexy, freshly-single self.

1. Ultra Strong or Extra Soft?

Just like toilet paper, when looking for the perfect body pillow, you need to tailor it to your body's needs. Do you favor a gentle yet supple hug or a warm and firm embrace that tells you, “shh, baby, it’ll be okay?” If you choose the wrong system of embrace, you might as well just buy a stupid normal pillow.

2. Big Spoon or Little Spoon?

Shape is a top priority in choosing a body pillow, so it’s a good thing your roommate and her ex were far more open with their sex life than you would have ever liked. Now you know precisely what post-coital position to use as inspiration for the body pillow’s shape. Is she a big spoon? A classic straight or “C” shaped pillow will do. Little spoon? Check out a “U” shape for that sensuous back support. 

3. Firm Beefcake or Dad Bod?

Not every girl wants a guy who spends more time in the Leach than they do getting sleep, so it makes sense that some girls want a pillow with a good bit of snuggability. As her friend, it’s up to you to do the best research and find Leonardo DiCaprio’s mid-forties body in the form of a pillow for her to defend when he inevitably forgets her birthday this year.

4. Local or Foreign?

A Florida born-and-bred boy is a far cry from that foreign exchange hottie who just dumped the surprise that he is going back to whatever completely forgettable but still sexily European town he came from. However, the opposite impression may be true for body pillows since one made in a broken system that abuses cheap labor would probably be a more reasonable investment in the end.

5. Just a Phase or Here to Stay?

Was he just around to pass the time and scratch that itch, or was he supposed to be husband material? If she’s looking for a lifelong commitment, try looking into warranties—that comfort will always give her the support she desperately craves.

It may feel a bit weird to explain, but don’t be afraid to bite the bullet, find your roommate their exact type and maybe even look into sexy sheets of their slightly unsettling celebrity crush for that personal touch. After all, boys are temporary, but Zach Galifianakis, with a crudely photoshopped on six-pack wrapping up a big ol’ body pillow, is forever.