Okay, We Can Stop Having Boyfriends Now Guys
Guys, it’s already the 19th. The joke was pretty funny on Valentine’s Day when we all pretended to be in loving relationships. We truly outdid ourselves with the crappy chocolate boxes and roses with poems stapled to them. The extravagant stories on Facebook and Instagram (where we posted cute pics of us eating at Olive Garden) were sweet and reassured my mom that I could find love, but that’s all over now. We are all going to go back to going into first dates with good intentions and leaving with discomfort and regret, right? For real, it’s time we all go back to being single. Wait, you guys were serious?
“I thought this was an elaborate prank honestly. I was waiting for the big reveal so I could plug my Patreon and ask everyone to subscribe,” admitted rising Vimeo star J.J. “TotalPranksterMedia” Wellsworth while editing his newest prank video. “I was thinking about starting some bullshit ‘Retweet To Win A Tesla!’ ad campaign or maybe becoming a subscription-based entrepreneur through my new YouTuber business school, but I settled on this Valentine’s Day Prank Video instead. My subscribers, otherwise known as my extended family and a couple of twelve-year-olds, really eat up the prank videos these days. I had hired some girl to hold my hand and laugh at my jokes all day! She was asking for more money and telling me to subscribe to something called OnlyFans, but that’s beside the point.”
“Yes, some of us seriously do have boyfriends and girlfriends and, of course, ‘friends who don’t know what the fuck is happening anymore.’ We exist and we are valid,” asserted Joan Mara while she dragged a lifesize teddy bear behind her to assert her relationship status to the rest of us non-sex-havers. “You guys can’t be bitter that you don’t have a significant other. That is on you. It’s not my fault that I’m always bringing my boyfriend into our apartment or to comedy parties unannounced. I can’t help it that I’m capable of being emotionally stable and you aren’t. It’s not difficult to devote an incredible amount of time and energy to support someone I’m smashing. Anyone can do it!”
So, with this new information under our belts, it seems that we will all have to return the confetti cannons and “Sike!” banners we bought in preparation for the big reveal. Yeah, we could have been trending on Youtube and TikTok for the whole world to see, but everyone decided it would be more fun to be in serious relationships. Thanks for letting us know, guys. We’re not mad at all. Dicks.