Personal Bathroom Trash Can Flagged by the CDC for Toxic Waste
The little bathroom trash can that all people must purchase for their bathroom - whether the bathroom belongs to a house, a dorm, or an apartment - is vital. This little bin that costs anywhere from $2 to $10 (depending on your parent’s mood that day at Target) holds the sacred job of holding the nastiest shit known to man. This little rubbish bin has to handle everything that’s too embarrassing to dump in the kitchen’s communal trash can and too much of a biohazard to flush down the toilet. These objects most certainly cannot be taken to a dumpster where it becomes public knowledge; however, this campaign of secrecy hasn’t kept one man’s trash can from becoming public health enemy #1.
“I haven’t changed out my bathroom’s trash can in my entire two years at this apartment complex. It’s just not my territory anymore. Not after all the things I’ve disposed of there. Something or someone else lives in it by now. I don’t know who or what has moved into this little guy, but I have no right in touching it unless I’m throwing away floss specked with two-day-old flecks of ribeye or Q-Tips waxed to the max,” said Andrew Whittleford as he forced down two years of trash with his unwashed hands to make room for [redacted]. “Mine doesn’t even have a trash bag anymore. I think the bag just disintegrated after I threw something that quite honestly belongs in nothing short of a quarantined dump. But I can’t be letting my roommates know I have a [redacted] problem.”
“The first thing I learned in law school is that if your defendant has evidence against them found in their bathroom garbage bin, that son of a bitch is getting a life sentence. There’s no use in arguing it; they murdered something, even if it was just their toenails. And trust me, anyone who’s keeping the can under their sink is getting the electric chair,” said Professor Jane Brown as she showed off her office’s pristine, spotless bathroom garbage can. “A bathroom trash can is like a Facebook profile; it’s how you present yourself to the world. The biggest misconception is that males have worse bathroom bins, but it’s the females that have the most trash can-based mutant-plant life springing. Those two-year-old condoms won’t be found in a man’s bathroom, mainly because no woman would be stupid enough to agree to hook up at the house of the man they’ve seen exit the bathroom without washing his hands.”
It is worth noting that not every object buried forever in a person’s bathroom trash can necessarily belongs to the owner. Many times their guest will sneak in something truly criminal, like something that came out of their body but won’t flush down the toilet. Things can get especially interesting in shared bathrooms, but those situations typically don’t last long before the CDC gets involved and tears down that apartment complex down completely. Honestly, everyone might be better off using their bathroom counter’s pullout drawer for trash storage, where only floss and empty bottles of Listerine can fit.