Leaving the Party After 90 Minutes, Tops: A Guide

For those of us who exhausted our stamina as freshmen for sweating up The Strip thrice a week and pretending to enjoy it, or for those who simply believe sleep is sacred, the appeal of microdosing parties is pretty clear. Why spend two to three hours hovering by someone’s kitchen counter cradling a solo cup in one hand and your phone in the other soundtracked by way too many Post Malone songs when you don’t have to? Maximizing your party time so you can be in, out and back in bed before midnight just takes a few simple steps. 

1. The Preparation

The key to ending your night before the ubers get too pricey is starting strong. Your outfit has to be killer, in the sense that it either makes you physically uncomfortable in some way or is just adventurous and insecurity-inducing enough to kill your party spirit by the stroke of midnight. Maybe opt for a “Virginity Rocks!” t-shirt that you’ll begin to reconsider once you see someone cute, or just try a pair of literally low rise anything. Your physical and emotional discomfort will keep you loyal to your early departure time. And be sure to bring a friend (this will become relevant later). 

2. The Arrival

Absolutely no less than 30 minutes late. What you want is the party in full swing and everyone important already in attendance by the time you arrive. Think of yourself as Meryl Streep on “Big Little Lies”: only show up in the second half and somehow steal the show anyway. Parties are basically just the opportunity to go "oh my gosh, hi!!" to a bunch of different people with a few variations, so knocking out most of your salutations in one go when you get there puts you even closer to your exit.

3. The Party

The thing about knowing you’re going to ditch a party early is you can't act like it. Take your jacket off, egg on the conversation about raiding The Den after the function, slip in a few comments about how young the night is and go "shots?" every 15 minutes. When you disappear, they'll never be the wiser.

4. The Departure

This is the easy part. Essentially, just walk out. If you've got your aforementioned party accomplice, exchange a few pensive looks at each other, the time and the door. Maybe even mime a brief but deliberate phone call before approaching the exit. Did your roommate just get locked out of your place? Does your friend have an 8 a.m. they should really get some sleep before? Who knows! Witnesses will fill in the blanks for you when you make the rounds with furrowed brow to let them know you should "really get home."