"Bachelor" Viewer Excited to Learn Her Boyfriend Is Also Dating Eleven Other Women

It’s “Bachelor” season, which means that for nine glorious weeks, teenage girls and 50-year-old women everywhere are fantasizing about competing against social media influencers and former-high-school-bullies-turned nurses for the chance to win over the heart of a bland white man with just a little bit of stubble. Few get to experience the thrill of knowing that the guy you’re picturing starting a life with is actively comparing your witty sense of humor, kind heart, and a beautiful mind to someone that has way bigger tits. However, one lucky woman has recently discovered that her boyfriend is actively banging - but, more importantly - getting to know eleven other ladies through the magic of dating apps and also just being a generally unfaithful individual.

“I’ve literally always wanted to be a contestant on “The Bachelor,” so this is probably the next best thing,” said Ashleigh Taylor, a nursing major who reportedly has had zero successful relationships but plenty of successful post-op checkups. “Honestly, I was a little mad at first, but I just know that he’s the perfect guy for me. I know I’ll be able to win him over because I’m obviously the hottest, and then he’ll know it’s meant to be,” Taylor continued with a sinister smile. “I’ve even met some of the girls, and I can already tell they’re going to be my besties. They’re a little slutty and kinda need to watch their backs, but I love those babes!”

“I thought she was going to be mad that I was fucking other girls, but instead, she took it as a challenge. The only downfall is that she makes me give her a rose every week, but I’d say it’s a pretty good deal,” said Jake Walker, a finance major by choice and frequent Tinder user. “She found out by walking in on me and another girl. She was obviously furious, but once I ran after her and told her it was just like that stupid show she makes me watch, her face lit up. I know how wrong this is, but honestly, she seems happier now than before she knew, so it’s a win-win. I smash other girls, and she fantasizes about going on group dates with them,” Walker explained. “Honestly, I’m just gonna end it with all of them; it’s too hard to pick when they were all bitches in high school and have the same tumultuous relationship with their dads.”

Thanks to her transformation from small-town girl to the star of her friend group, Ashleigh is ready to start her life with the man of her dreams, which clearly will not be Jake Walker. Until then, she’s enjoying his very divided attention and her constant excuse to wear boho dresses to MadSo. Everyone is excited to see her begin “Bachelor in Paradise,” or just flirting with kayakers at the Rez. Soon enough, Ashleigh will be on to her next endeavor: getting the one hot 25-year-old male virgin to risk it all just for her.