Quarantine Gives Ex Perfect Opportunity to Speak to You for First Time in a Year
Now that most people are finally begrudgingly listening to the CDC’s rules for staying home and not touching anyone but themselves (thank you New York City Health Department), people everywhere can expect exciting new check-ins from past lovers. Horny hours have officially been upgraded to 24/7, 365 days a year during these quiet times, so whether it’s an ex from one month ago or an ex from one year ago, folks should prepare to hear from them at literally any hour of the day.
“I know that my ex-girlfriend was looking forward to using all of this extra time to work on bettering herself, but I figured I would pop in anyways. Even though I’m the one who dumped her the idea of not having her in my life is terrifying. Also, I’m super horny, and FaceTime sex sounds awesome,” said average guy Alex Michaelson as he drafted up a genius, never been done before, text about how insane COVID-19 is. “I’m still masturbating to porn like I normally do, but it’s just not hitting the same. The thought of my ex-girlfriend hanging out in her apartment waiting on a message from me gets me rock hard. That’s why I texted to let her know that I’m trying to follow girls on Instagram who look just like her.”
“When the notification popped up on my phone, I actually screamed and ran excitedly (but obviously pissed off, like secretly) to my roommate, who immediately punched me in the face. I know that he didn’t bother reaching out to me when I was famously crying over the death of my pet hamster every single day, but it’s nice that he’s talking to me in six-hour intervals now,” said cutie patootie Henrietta Henderson as she held her phone inches away from her face in anticipation. “I’m also equally as sopping now that I don’t have any parties to flirt with people at, so I don’t see any harm in the occasional text or FaceTime date to quell our urges—whether they be emotional or sexual!”
Times are hard, and so are the appendages of people you may or may not have previously slept with. Take this opportunity to set yourself back emotionally, all the way back to the onset of your breakup. You won’t be seeing each other any time soon because of this social distancing jazz, so don’t be afraid to send a sexy emoji or two to keep things spicy while you’re cooped up under that weighted blanket of yours. Wash your hands, but stay messy!