Girl Can’t Stop Staring at Herself in Zoom Chat
In this critical period of time, college professors (and TAs) are attempting to continue their teachings over the infamous Zoom chat. Just like with Skype or FaceTime, these boomers have no f*cking clue how to work any sort of webcam. After your teachers go through hours of preparation and tutorials for a program that's deadass completely self-explanatory, your 11:00 a.m. class is live and ready to go. Seeing the other 25 beautiful faces of your fellow friends and classmates is so refreshing and fun, but nothing compares to staring at your own reflection for the next hour and 15 minutes remaining in the class. Better get to tweezing that unibrow, honey.
“I never realized how captivating I am,” said senior Media Communications major, Maggie Rothberg, while puckering her newly Glossie’d lips and angling her face toward the “light.” “How can I be expected to focus on the class discussion when my own reflection is haunting me in a good way? I think for Thursday’s class I’ll bleach my mustache and apply falsies. I truly could care less about my Gender Studies class at this point; I just want the rest of my classmates to think I’m really hot and still f*ckable during this quarantine. They should be drooling at me during the lecture and dreaming about me at night!”
“I want to tell her to just turn her goddamn camera off at this point, but it wouldn’t be fair to the other students,” said Dr. Drumberg, Rothberg’s professor, while sipping red wine and clicking far more times than necessary on her Dell laptop. “It’s becoming distracting to the course’s content, and I can’t help but notice her applying lip gloss periodically and taking selfies while other students are delivering their presentations. I can literally hear it every time she takes a screenshot of her own spot on the webcam grid. If she wants to be a tik tokker, she doesn’t need to take this course! We’re studying gender, not narcissism,” snorted Drumberg.
It’s understandable to be unable to focus during a Zoom class with your phone only inches away from your thigh, but unlike Rothberg, most students can focus on the course content and ignore the issues with their growing chin zit. Although the narcissist in your class is praying for that Pass/Fail petition to go through, it’s possible that she’ll get an A anyway because she just looks so damn good. Don’t hate her cause you ain’t her.