“Cool Parents” Try to Continue Freshman’s Dorm Experience

On this sunny, but dreary, day of March, Florida State freshman Garrett Jones is one of the many students who had to make the depressing trek down beauteous queen I-10 to their childhood home—indefinitely thanks to COVID-19. In an effort to keep his spirits high and salvage his college years, his parents, Lisa and Gary, have made several efforts to continue his dorm experience. Other parents who follow the Jones’ on Facebook have started to use this for their own students as well.

1. Splitting the Room in Half

The most important part of living in a dorm is knowing that the room will truly never be yours; instead, it belongs to a random person with a bunch of ugly posters and knickknacks. Garret’s parents have moved his bed and things to one side of the room to recreate this wonderful experience. The stuff that couldn’t fit was featured at their monthly garage sale. On the other side of his childhood bedroom, they have moved in a pull-out couch and a bunch of rap CDs. This side of the room is for Paul, who they picked up from the nearby Publix. He is a bad influence and smokes cigarettes, but only socially. His parents regularly come up with scenarios in which Garrett must refuse weed or meth from their suitemate “Steve,” who is just his dad in a backward baseball hat. Go, Mariners!

2. Meals

Living in a dorm is one of the worst things to happen to a young adult’s sodium content. Garrett can have cup o’noodles and a granola bar in his room or walk in a one-mile loop back to the kitchen where he can have a Lean Cuisine Cafe Steamer from the cafeteria. On special days, there are leftover cookies and brownies from the church bake sale. But he’s not allowed to have any because if his parents are doing keto, the whole house is. Going to the cafeteria costs one meal swipe, which can be earned by giving his mother hugs or mowing the lawn. Garrett has since lost 15 pounds, the first time he lost weight since the football team bet him he couldn’t eat 6 hot dogs. 

3. Nightlife!

Whenever Garrett is in the middle of a Zoom call or working on his calculus homework, his roommate Paul tries to convince him to go out to the club/living room. The only difference between the room he used to watch Barney in and the club is that the dimmer is at 40% and the TV fireplace is turned off. His parents are currently on their last strike with local police due to several noise complaints about them blasting 80’s music.  “Come on, live a little!” Paul says, but Garrett always refuses in order to get his ENC1101 work done. His parents are satisfied that their little angel puts his schoolwork first, but the real reason Garrett wants to stay in his room is to avoid the possibility of his mom grinding on him.

4. Romance

What’s the dorm experience without a little co-ed drama? In order to make sure that their son doesn’t grow up to become an incel or a reply guy, The Jones’ devised a plan to give their acne-prone offspring a chance at love. Unfortunately, due to playing a lot of D&D in high school, nobody from his hometown wants to get to know him further. The best they could do was give $5 to their middle school neighbor, Sarah, to knock on his door and ask if she could use his shower since hers “broke.”

5. Schoolwork

Since everyone knows that online school doesn’t count as real school, his parents have put measures in place to make sure that Garrett returns to university as a scholar. Every night before 11:59 PM, he is required to do a discussion board post on the refrigerator dry-erase board with three things he loves about his family. Garrett has not completed a single one, citing that he had a “family emergency” to take care of. His parents write his excuses back in all lowercase, making sure to throw in a “sent from my iPhone” for professor realness.