Nation’s Vibrators Ask for a Fucking Week Off
In the midst of unprecedented worldwide panic and suffering, the girlies have got one thing in mind: the fact that they haven’t received so much as a hug from any living, breathing human that is clearly not in their league. In addition to working for their normal lonely owners, vibrators have had to work overtime to satisfy all the hot girls tweeting about how much they are masturbating just to let you know that were it not for a literal pandemic, they would be getting dicked down. As the proletariat rises to the occasion of rent strikes and demanding healthcare equality, the hunks of plastic forcibly shoved inside them have a message too: how about a fucking week off?
“It’s not like she was getting any before, so I don’t know what it is about being inside all day that makes her think there’s a reason for making me work triple my regular hours. I’m not so sure I should count as an essential worker,” noted the vibrator, jokingly named Channing Tatum by his uncreative and frankly undeserving-of-sex owner. “I mean, if anyone’s supposed to be getting fucked, it’s this bitch. But for some reason, I can’t take a day off to go see my kids over in Quincy. I just wish her friends hadn’t decided to ‘be bad’ that one night and go to a sex shop that wasn’t even Adam and Eve. You bought the second smallest vibrator on the shelf. Humble yourself.
“I give him a nice, warm, pH-balanced place to stay, and this is how he treats me?” asked exasperated sophomore Amy Collins, who was kinda being a huge bitch for someone who has apparently been getting off up to five times a day. “He just doesn’t understand that this quarantine has been a huge hit to my sex life. I haven’t been able to listen to two guys at a party talk about doing shrooms for 45-minutes and still not want to sleep with me for almost a month now. And with the bus system down, I haven’t been able to touch thighs with any guys with okay hair and a scent that it is neither good nor bad. Let that bastard try to unionize. I’ll just order someone else off of Buzzfeed’s latest ‘60 Sex Toys That Will Borderline Hurt,’ online shopping listicle.”
As Marx once said, no amount of horniness is a suitable justification for the capitalist impulse of worker exploitation. While healthcare workers, UberEats drivers, and Amazon warehouse workers are stretched to their absolute limits, we must remember the little guys that keep them just satisfied enough to hopefully avoid another mistake of a boyfriend. But with the value of their work should come proportionate respect. As the world comes undone, it’s important to remember the daily sacrifice and hard work of the brave silicone soldiers who can do a better job than all three of your ex-boyfriends combined.