Your Most Annoying Friends Keep Reminiscing by Posting Drunk Videos All Over Their Timelines
It’s dangerous on social media nowadays—one like and you’re trapped into another “until tomorrow” post chain. There’s a level of discretion needed in trying to decide whether your followers really need to see yet another Bingo board of all the irresponsible nonsense you have done on campus. Some of those followers might even be your family members or your future employers. Do we really want our moms to know we tried butt-chugging at a fraternity philanthropy event? Apparently, your best friend wants everyone to know. In fact, she’s posting every old video of her twerking on the stripper pole in Yianni's and drinking the nation’s entire supply of y-bombs—all in the name of “remembering the good ol’ days.”
“I want people to know I’m still a quirky, fun-loving person! That’s why I post all the embarrassing Snapchat memories I can gather on my story. These are going to be memories that I make you relive!” explained struggling extrovert Heather Kimberly as she queued up seven more zingers of her literally screaming while double fisting Trulys. “I don’t see the point in saving pictures and videos if I can’t share them while everyone, including myself, is having the absolute worst time. I want everyone to see how crazy I got snorting champagne and drinking cocaine at GVO on a fucking Wednesday. That’s not how you are supposed to take those drugs or alcohol, but that’s what makes me different. And don’t worry, I have some pics and videos of you too! Besties!”
“Oh yeah, we fired her the second we saw those videos. We make it clear that no employee at Sam’s Club should be either horny or partying on main,” said Sam’s Club manager and nightmare boss Sammy Wells. “Everyone is allowed to be messy every now and then. Here at Sam’s Club, we believe it’s important to let loose. But we can not compromise the prestigious image of our membership-based superstore with pictures of our employees skinny dipping in the Wescott fountain. It boggles my mind how no one has cracked down on these hooligans posting whatever they want online. There is a time and place for everything. Specifically, in complete darkness and out of sight. Unless, of course, they are lightly lit by the freshest LED strip lights, available now in the Sam’s Club home improvement section.”
Heather Kimberly is currently in the process of trying to find a new job. She hopes no one will recognize her iconic bangs from one of her videos: “Me and the gorls giving each other haircuts under CLUB LIGHTS!! 😍😮.” The Sam’s Club corporation insists it does not encourage any type of partying even under rave lights. Maybe this will convince people like Heather to finally make use of that “close friends” feature, better yet, an OnlyFans.