Finding Love in a Hopeless Place: The Pizza Parlor on Club Penguin
Despite the infamous death of the beloved game Club Penguin in March of 2017, the children’s paradise has been revived and is better than ever now that the only ones playing it are bored and horny college students. Every server that doesn’t block the chat bar is now full of fun and funky penguins named Suhmadik and Shartypants getting down at the nightclub and steamy in the igloos. The hottest spot of this arctic renaissance is the coveted pizza parlor, where those who are actually trying to make a living can put on an apron and serve multiple double dates that include romantic exchanges such as “i like ur puffle” and “wanna h u?” For a lucky few, these brief affairs have turned into so much more.
“I never thought that Fieriluvr69 would be anything more than just my CP buddy, but when he told me his entire life story in 5-word increments in front of everyone at the pizza parlor, I knew he was the one,” said Kathryn Bell, otherwise known as Kattyb2000. Bell recently downloaded Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, having given up on finding romance organically. “I was in a pretty dark place. I was so starved for attention all the time that I was even swiping right on guys that had a Michael Scott quote in their bio. At some point, I gave up and turned to the only thing that ever brought me true happiness; online games whose key demographic is 5- to-10-year-olds.” Bell had no idea what was in store when she decided to play Pizzatron 3000, but after only two clicks, the flightless bird of her dreams waddled in.
“When I saw her walk in I knew I had to say something, so I threw a snowball at her from across the room and said, ‘yo purple wig u fineeee.’ Little did I know that she’d be the girl I fell in love with,” said Nathan Miller, otherwise known as Fieriluvr69. Miller is a sophomore who just couldn’t get into Call of Duty. “It got a little rocky when I got banned for 24 hours because I said ‘I want 2 bang u’ and I thought I lost her forever, but sure enough we got through it.” When asked how he deals with the long-distance, Miller responded, “I mean I can still dance really close to her at the nightclub. With Recess closed for the foreseeable future, that's probably the most action I’m going to get any time soon, so I’ll take it.”
All that anyone is looking for is a cuddly companion who will be there to grow old and adopt a puffle with, and these two love penguins may have found it. Perhaps once this pandemic ends, this relationship and their login information may be lost to new and exciting things, like meeting someone at the Chick-fil-A on campus, or finally caving in and meeting up with that guy you accidentally matched with on three different dating apps, but that doesn’t make this love any less real. For now, may these two prosper together, as long as one of them doesn’t fuck the hot Webkinz Curio Shop owner.