Is Masturbating Boring Now?

Yes.

Masturbating is boring now. As the days roll on and on, the pleasure we gather from getting ourselves off declines more and more. The only easy cure for boredom during quarantine has turned into a chore; a sad excuse for the lack of intimacy in everyone’s lives currently. It’s no longer a sacred act saved for drunk nights at home after failing to catch a dick at the function or to fill the gap between Hulu commercials. Instead, it’s an all hours of the day sex-by-yourself marathon with no gold medalists. None. 

“Every time I open up PornHub on my phone it’s like okay here the fuck we go again I guess. The FakeTaxi or the BangBros for today? I’m on the site so often that the homepage stays exactly the same whenever I log in. Yes, I said log in. They’re offering free Premium and all you have to do is tell them what kind of boobs you’re into,” said Carol Karpico as she typed in the code “Noodles” for 50% off plus free shipping on Adam and Eve. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually sick of cumming. If there were a guy in my safe circle who wasn’t my brother and was also willing to have sex with me, I wouldn’t have that problem. I just miss when all of my sexual frustrations could be solved by a candlelit date between my fingers and me.”

The sexual organs, when spoken to from an appropriate distance of 6 feet away, were on the brink of exhaustion. “Please never touch me again,” said Carol Karpico’s clitoris from a pair of underwear that accidentally hadn’t been changed in a few days. “Look, I love the attention as much as the next gal, but this is getting to be ridiculous. I mean, 4 p.m.? That’s when you want to hang out? That’s nap time, girlfriend. It’s not even like this is fun anymore. We used to have something special, but that changed the second she ran out of videos to jill it to and started fueling our thrice-a-day-sessions with memories of her ex-boyfriend, who she somehow still misses.” We also reached out to a penis, who just said, “It hurts.”

It’s true what they say about too much of a good thing: it’s bad. This proves that nothing beats good ole fashion sex, which incidentally most of us aren’t having. Until we can try and fail to do that again, maybe take a sabbatical from twisting the doorknob and give your incognito window a day or two off. If you’re one of the few people lucky enough to be consummating during these trying times, congrats. No seriously, we’re really happy for you.