All Four Roommates Silently Plot Germ Warfare Against Each Other
It’s been eerily quiet on the kitchen front this past week. Almost...too quiet. The lockdown placed upon Florida has sent all roommates to their separate rooms, and now it’s hard to tell if anyone’s still even alive. That is, except for the roommate that is clearly not taking isolation seriously since they’re constantly going to Dunkin and not asking you if you want anything. And, of course, you’ll also have to hear from the roommate who can’t resist coming downstairs for a midnight snack. A suspenseful quiet has been welcomed into every student living apartment across the globe, bringing with it cabin fever-themed porn and the paranoia that all roommates are automatically competing for one life in the same four-bedroom, one-bath.
“It all happened so fast, just after Florida placed the curfew. One day, we are having our weekly seltzer-fest, and the next, the group chat is in ruins. Nothing left of it but a variety of ‘Jane Doe has left the group.’ The roommate we Venmo for utilities has even conquered the Keurig,” said Brenda Hatchley of Room C, as she slowly creaked open her door in terror before slamming it again and bursting into sobs. “It’s not safe here anymore. I know for a fact Ashley in the upstairs bedroom down the hall has been hoarding oils and utensils. What is she planning? Whatever it is, I’ll be one step ahead,” she claimed while ominously loading bug spray into a syringe.
“As far as I can tell, not even the bro code is in place anymore. The last time I saw Eric or Miles was when they were stealing back their outdoor furniture set from the living room. So now I can’t go outside or even kick back in a lawn chair to rebinge my favorite offensive episodes of ‘Always Sunny,’” said Hunter Long as he used the dual-purpose kitchen wipe and communal cum-rag to wipe away the germs he assumed his uncool roommates planted on his warm can of Pabst. “I can’t be too sure that they aren’t watching me, just waiting for me to drop dead after licking the pantry door knob for no reason. It’s mad territorial now, and I’ve just made advances on the thermostat front. I’m gonna sweat these bitches out.”
It’s fair to say that self-isolation might be getting to some people. If it isn’t, then they are either rich, Ina Garten or a serial murderer. It’s not easy being holed up in a small apartment all day and nearly impossible to do with three other roommates who are stowing away their kitchen tools, as if everyone brought their own colander! Roommate relationships feel like the least stable thing in everyone’s lives right now, and there’s no “buts” because that’s the truth. Don’t trust them. It’s not worth it.