Sweet Shop To Impose Death Penalty for Patrons Carrying Outside Food or Drink

No other establishment on campus holds as much history and hungover freshman as the beloved Sweet Shop. Sitting tucked under some trees on Jefferson street, this unassuming cafe is host to a variety of delicious foods and a large menu of chai latte flavor combinations that no one has dared to try. Despite the staggering selection of food and drink at the shop, the cafe has struggled with customers bringing outside food and drink into the shop, thus decreasing sales for this family owned business. 

“We tried a lot of different ways to prevent this from happening,” shouted Sweet Shop employee James Grant from behind the counter. “For a while, the wifi password was nooutsidefoodordrink. After that didn’t work, we plastered “no outside food or drink” in the impact font on every visible surface in the shop. Now, we’ve had to result to some…undesirable methods of enforcement,” Grant said as he cocked a bow back and shot a Pi Phi holding a Starbucks cup square in the chest with a flaming arrow. “We didn’t want to do this. But they made us,” he said, his physical body present but his eyes glazed over and void of emotion. 

“Look, I know the Sweet Shop has literally started killing people,” said freshman Rebecca Smith, last she lounged in a booth that sits an uncomfortable distance away from the table. “But there’s nowhere else on campus I can pay $5 for a cup of unripe pineapple and a slice of month-old cheesecake. And where else am I supposed to watch Grey’s Anatomy while I stare at my bio homework? It’s honestly worth the risk,” she continued. “I came here on a Tinder date the other day, and the guy was shot by a sniper in the doorway after the staff spotted him with a Dasani water bottle. But I wasn’t too upset, he was a scorpio so it wasn’t going to go anywhere.”

Despite these changes at the Sweet Shop, students have continued to flock to the cafe after a hard night on the Strip, to cram for exams, or to just vibe in before ENC 1101. In addition to the countless Instagram handles and dick jokes scrawled on the cafe walls, artistic additions of dried blood have now made an appearance as a warning to others. It seems as though no matter how stale the muffins, bitter the coffee, or the number of bodies now strewn across the floor, the Sweet Shop will remain a historic staple on the campus of Florida State.