Local Woman Isn’t Hungover, Just Needs to Lay Down for Five More Minutes
We’ve all been there. Laying in bed after a long thirsty Thursday, Gatorade by your bedside table (taking tiny sips), deep breathing, and praying that the pain will go away soon. You’re not hungover, though, you just need to lay down for a few more minutes and rest your eyes. This is where senior and Bullwinkles-frequenter Alyssa McCarthy found herself this Friday morning, fighting back the spins and nausea while her friends continually checked on her wellbeing and general aliveness. Don’t tell her she’s hungover, though. She’s never actually had a hangover.
“I just need some greasy breakfast and I’ll be fine,” said McCarthy through some light gagging. “Maybe a little Bloody-Mary-hair-of-the-dog at Keke’s Breakfast Cafe. Although, it’ll probably take us two hours to even get a table, so maybe not. Am I hungover? No, absolutely not. I definitely had a lot to drink last night and I’m feeling a tiny bit nauseous this morning, but I just need to lay down and close my eyes for a few more minutes before we leave for breakfast. If I had to stand up right now I’d be fine and I totally wouldn’t puke, but I’m just really tired after last night so I want to get one more snooze in.”
“She’s been saying ‘five more minutes’ for two hours,” admitted Alyssa’s roommate Kathy Klein. “Her alarm clock, which plays ‘Dear Theodosia’ from the Hamilton soundtrack, has gone off literally 20 times. The rest of us have been dressed and ready to go to Keke’s for the last hour, but none of us can accuse her of being hungover because she’s the only one of our friends who insists she’s never had a hangover, no matter how much she drinks. It’s a logical fallacy. An illusion. Everyone knows she’s out of commission. I wish she would just admit it and let us get our pancakes without her while she suffers in peace instead of laying there suffering for two hours until she can finally get a Bagel Bagel sandwich down her throat.”
Hopefully, Alyssa’s roommates will be able to make the trek to brunchies closer to noon, with or without their delusional roommate who undoubtedly would make them roll the windows down the second she entered the car. If you are one of the many who believes they have never and will never have a hangover, just know your time will come, and you will soon suffer in Hell with the rest of us degenerates. For now, though, enjoy your Y-bombs and tequila sunrises until the cows come home.