House Cat Totally Confused by Ongoing Beer Pong Game
The beginning of quarantine was tougher for some people than it was for others. To cope, many took on lifelong commitments, whether that be light alcoholism or adopting a whole ass cat, or maybe even both. As vaccinations become more widespread and more and more people begin to throw their safety reservations about the spread of COVID out the window, the game of beer pong has resurfaced, and the cats of student apartments do not get it.
“Why are they throwing the little balls on the table? I’m literally on the other side of the living room,” complained local house cat Cindy (Clawford) from the comfortable resting place of a window-hung cat hammock. “The slang is so misleading. If they play for long enough they start asking for a “re-rack: tight pussy.” It’s like, yeah, I am pretty cool, but then they’re not even talking to me. They just move the cups around and then the human I lay next to at night cheers and puts her hand on some random man’s shoulder. Why does everyone yell? Why is the floor sticky now? That’s probably the worst part. I am so afraid of the mop.”
“We have two cats and they don’t seem to understand what’s going on when we pull out the ‘ole pong table. They can’t hang,” said cat owner and “fan of the sport” Alexis Carson as she blindly searched for loose balls under the couch. “They won’t help chase the balls so I look like an idiot when I’m too drunk to catch them in my tiny little girl hands. What’s the point of having paws, claws, and a natural instinct for hunting if you’re not going to use it to help your human counterpart get some? Whatever, though. I tried to explain the rules in a baby voice and they just kind of stared at me. Not just the cats, everyone.”
If your furry friend doesn’t understand the epic highs and lows of collegiate beer pong, fear not! Accept that they will probably never get it because they are cats and they do not have thumbs. Evolution literally does not allow for them to pong it up with the boys on a Tuesday night. The house cats will stare, and the owners will go eye-to-eye until the sun comes up. That’s life, ponyboy.