Area Man Keeps Single Condom in Wallet Just in Case
COVID-19 has scorched the dating pursuits of many-a-horny college student at FSU. Gone are the days of seeing your crushie wushie at a Surf Club party every few weeks and barely making eye contact for weeks on end until someone thinks to say, “Hey, I’ve seen you around. What’s your major?” One fertile male, however, is optimistic about his prospects. He carries around a single, year-old condom in his wallet so he’s prepared, whenever the moment strikes.
“I know my time will come, and I’ll be ready for it,” said Kevin Chapek, a microbiology major at FSU, as he cuffed his khaki pants at the empty Dirac Starbucks. When asked what else was micro about him, he did not seem to understand or appreciate the joke. “I know I haven’t used or owned condoms for three years since the pandemic began, but it’s always good to pack an extra shirt for my little guy. Especially after I get that Doctor-preferred Johnson and Johnson ice, it’ll be really prescient of me to anticipate any unexpected encounters ‘cumming’ my way. It’s important for me to keep my Trojan Ribbed right between Abe Lincoln and my Michael’s gift card when the day (finally) comes.”
“Bobby talks about his ‘safety condom’ a lot,” stated Bobby’s roommate Chuck Hale, as he munched on a Keto chocolate bar while doing partial squats. “He’ll pull it out at a socially distant potluck at Cascades and let everyone know he’s packing. I keep telling him to just leave it at our gated, over-priced student housing apartment and go out and buy one if he was ever going back to someone’s abode, but he’s insistent about having one on hand if he ever has an afternoon delight or heated post-class hookup. I feel like every time he’d buy Zapps at the Circle K, he’d be reminded by how little action he’s getting. Not me, though. Once March of 2020 hit, I got into a relationship. Best way to get it up in these COVID times. Also, we share emotional intimacy with each other, which is an added plus.”
Once the pandemic ends, Bobby will have no excuse not to pick up the mantle of his rubber friend. Who knows what the half-life of Bobby’s condom is or when it will expire...but here’s to hoping his locked-and-loaded approach comes in handy when classes are fully synchronous and people are getting totally busy again.