Shocking: Guy With Snakebite Piercings Isn't "Ready for a Relationship Right Now"

For as long as anyone can remember, girls have been attracted to dangerous guys: cowboys, motorcycle bandits, Jess from Gilmore Girls and countless others. These days, the pickings are far more slim, ranging from Snapchat drug dealers who sell laced puffbars to aspiring soundcloud rappers. Still, girls with low self-esteem everywhere like the idea of a fixer-upper. But before they figure out that these guys are destined to be substitute teachers that have their own entrance in their parent’s basement, they get hit with the, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” A local FSU student spoke to The Eggplant about recently hitting this milestone in her ‘situationship.’

“We met on Tinder, and he messaged me that I looked sexy. I mean, that’s really romantic when you think about it. All the guys I hang around take like 5 months to ask you out and you have to pass a bunch of tests about what movies and music you like. It’s nice to meet someone straightforward,” said senior Jessica Campbell “I asked yesterday if he wanted to be exclusive, but he said he wasn’t ready for that now, which I totally get, because his parents are super mad at him for getting kicked out of the army for fighting. If you hear Tyler's side of the story, the janitor was totally asking for it. He’s just stressed right now, so I’m gonna be here for him for as long as he needs me.” Jessica is getting her bachelor’s in pre-law and already has several full-ride offers for law school next fall.

For the purpose of journalistic integrity, Tyler is a lot uglier than Jessica described. “Jennifer is one of the main hoes in my rotation. I mean, Jessica. She’s awesome, but she keeps trying to call herself my girlfriend and it’s like can you at least wait until my fuckin’ snakebites stop getting infected? I’m a 27 year old guy--I gotta play the field a little before I settle down with one bitch. My baby mama is on my case all the time acting like I didn’t tell her a million times to get rid of it. It’s not mine though, those paternity tests aren’t accurate. So excuse me if I wanna drink a 4Loko in the Walmart parking lot with my friends instead of going to his boring ass elementary school graduation. Plus, it’s about to be white boy summer.”

Another successful girl with a bright future wasting her days on a guy with holes in his boxers. It’s sad to see, but we can only hope that Jessica can wisen up before she becomes baby mama #2. If you or a loved one has fallen in love with an emotionally unavailable loser, please stop. Don’t reach out for help because you’re too far gone and nobody will be able to convince you. Just stop.