The Eggplant’s Guide To Interacting With Your Roommate After Hearing Their Freudian Sex 10 Minutes Prior
Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry.
We’ve all been there before, right? We’ve all been filled with doom as we hear the hinges pry open from the room we have been avoiding the most. Bamboozled while trying to slooth our way to the Brita… coming face to face with the roommate we just heard having intimate, Freudian sex with their current Tinder hookup on rotation. Your demeanor is completely reliant on your instinct to shut it out or listen in. But here at The Eggplant, we suggest you plug in those headphones and put on some Phoebe Bridgers for the next hour or two if you want to salvage the wholesome energy of roomie game night. When Mrs. Bridgers said, “I hate you for what you did,” you’ll totally be able to relate.
We’re not kink-shaming around here at The Eggplant, but let’s face the facts. When you’ve heard a symphony of “mommy” and “daddy” for the past hour and it’s not even FSU parents weekend it's bound to create a little tension in the common area. Here is The Eggplant's guide to cutting the tension with your frisky flatmate this fall.
Stay in your room
That’s right. Never come out. You may never be able to unhear the lengths at which your roommate went to to degrade their partner and things may never be the same again. The most contact you’ll have with your roommate is hearing the unnerving squeaks carry through the apartment. And that may have to be okay with you.
2. Live in fear
If they have the dark side you heard through the paper-thin U-Club walls, how soon will it be before they turn on you? Props to you bestie if you have a degrading kink, but if you’re fragile like the rest of us, you may just be shaking in your boots that your roommate is more critical and belittling than you think.
3. Learn from your apprentice
It’s like making lemons out of lemonade but trendier and cooler. If you’re living with the Roz Focker of our generation, take advantage of the time you have and take notes! If you’re looking to spice things up in your own life then might as well take the opportunity that has fallen right into your lap. Or, if you’re a psych girly, this is the perfect opportunity to learn about and exploit their childhood trauma.
We all have our quirky roommates! Just try and make sure your hand doesn’t shake TOO much while they’re behind you and you’re pouring yourself a glass of water. Whatever your roomie situation is, make sure your living room doesn’t turn into a therapists’ office anytime soon!