Tragic: That Guy You Had Sex With Once Is at Every Event You Attend
In-person events are back! You know what that means: lots of awkward eye contact with people you follow on Instagram but have never met in real life, sipping on warm drinks, and unfortunately, running into people you’ve slept with. For those of you who have had the sad experience of sleeping with men, these run-ins never seem to stop. Men are truly everywhere, and it seems like even in a big city like Tallahassee, the ones you’ve fucked and sucked seem to have a magnetic connection to you somehow. Whether you’re at the testing center, a basement punk show, or kicking back at Recess, That Guy is there. And he sees you.
“I don’t know how he keeps finding me,” said local woman Alyssa Greenfield. “We had sex one time, for 30 seconds in the Tin Lizzy’s bathroom. It was horrible. There isn’t even a mirror in the handicapped stall, so I just had to look at his big stupid face. The day after, I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get my IUD adjusted. I don’t know why…or how…but he was there. When my friend’s band had a gig at Burrito Boarder the next weekend, he was at the bar eating a stinky bean quesadilla. When we went to Westcott to throw my friend in the fountain for her birthday, he was naked swimming on the second level. I don’t know how to make this stop. I might just try fucking a different guy for now to see if it carries over.”
“Following her?” asked That Guy as he hastily swiped out of the “Find my Friends” app. “I mean yeah, I have been technically following her. She was the best public bathroom lay I’ve ever had, and now she won’t even talk to me. My frat brothers told me that if you want something, you need determination, so I’m going everywhere she goes to see if I can analyze her behavior. If I can understand her patterns and common spots, I think I can become the guy she wants me to be. I know she’s still thinking about me even though she blocked me on Snapchat. Every girl does that. She’s just playing hard to get, and she wants me to chase her.”
So, perhaps this is an isolated incident. However, if you’ve had a one-night-stand recently, be sure to always check your surroundings for That Guy wandering around on the sidelines. That Guy is everywhere in Tallahassee, and your odds of seeing him only increase as your body count does. He could be a fraternity brother, a Dunkin’ employee, or a dude sitting in the back of your lecture. That Guy never goes away, so you should always be prepared if you are forced to see him.