Local Fraternity Claims They Contracted COOTIE-19
The name Alpha Zeta Zeta has been in the news recently following the forgotten fraternity’s rise back into the mainstream. The Tallahassee frat was recently the focus of a Barstool Sports Documentary that gave viewers an inside scoop into the atypical lifestyles of America’s innocent lil’ angel-baby sweethearts, these frat boys. Unlike other fraternities, the brothers of AZZ don’t work out, throw parties, or talk to girls because they have a disease known as COOTIE-19. The brothers have recently canceled all of their events for the month after their whole house contracted the elusive virus. On their Instagram page, they have been sharing the hashtag #StopTheCootieSpread to warn students of the dangers of this disease.
What is COOTIE-19, though? No one knows for sure what it is beside the AZZ brothers. We were fortunate enough to interview the head of the Alpha Zeta Zeta house to get all of the answers. “[COOTIE-19]’s the highly contagious germs girls have,” President Derek Landers told us from the comfort of his bubble suit. “Brother Jacob is a sports medicine major and he even confirms that COOTIE-19 is real*.”
*No actual medical professionals have confirmed the existence of COOTIE-19. The more you know.
Derek Landers claimed the house started experiencing symptoms the day after brother Trevor brought his girlfriend to the house. “As soon as Trevor’s girlfriend entered, everybody felt weird,” Landers stated, looking into the distance as if experiencing a flashback. “Our hands were sweaty, our knees were weak, our arms were heavy, and we were nervous. At that moment I realized we contracted the virus.” We sat down with former AZZ brother Trevor to get his side of the story. “I joined a fraternity in the first place to get girls but all of my brothers were too scared to talk to them,” Trevor told us nonchalantly while cutting the sleeves off his T-shirt and sticking a big boy Coors Light into the crotch of his pants. “I honestly feel bad for them. They think there’s something wrong with them even though it’s completely normal to be nervous around pretty girls.”
Alpha Zeta Zeta uploaded a Canva-produced step-by-step guide to their Instagram on how to #StopTheCootieSpread. In the post, they recommend ordering a bubble suit, avoiding girls at all costs, losing yourself in virtual reality, and watching Andrew Tate videos. However, not many people are convinced of the legitimacy of the virus. To combat this notion, Landers has developed a plan to sway the minds of the Florida State student body. “The university needs to give incentives so that people start taking the necessary precautions,” Landers declared, now with his arms crossed. “...1 million dollars in non-exchangeable FSU cash, a lunch date with President McCullough, and a lifelong supply of Pollo Tropical.” However, AZZ is not officially affiliated with or endorsed by Florida State University. When asked for a comment on the situation, Florida State University President McCollugh sent back “Yeah. They’re not with us.”