Sad! Woman Gets More Spontaneous Calls From Spam Risk Numbers Than Friend

“Losing friends is a part of growing up. In the beginning besties facetime other besties while shitting on the toilet and pouring out the most vulnerable parts of their hearts/asses…” Begins Amy, a recent Graduate of FSU and a friendless loser. Suddenly, our interview is interrupted by the sound of “Rose’s Turn (Glee Cast Recording).” This, of course, was Amy’s ringtone and a plausible theory as to why Amy has no friends. Digging through her y2k, hot pink Shein Afghan coat (made by a boy named Li from the Yunnan Province who dreams of being a world-renowned magician) Amy pulls out her phone and the soft glow of the screen reveals “No Caller ID.” Answering the call, rapid and angry Mandarin spills out of the speaker and fills up the room. Since no one could translate, Amy assumed it was a spam number and hung up.

Fiddling with the sleeves of her y2k, hot pink Shein Afghan coat, Amy says, “I thought it might’ve been my friend Stacy. She moved to D.C. to pursue politics. Personally, I don’t let that kind of stuff run my life,” she giggles. Giving us another glimpse into Amy’s shortcomings, “I just don’t understand! I get so many calls, but not a single one is a friend I know. Is it me?” Amy concludes. Although, her problem is not an isolated case. There are other people more self-aware than Amy who have been experiencing similar issues.

“The caller I.D. was coming from Wyoming, where my mom lives. We’ve been estranged for nearly seven years so I answered. The caller thought my name was ‘Chris’ and said that I needed to renew my auto warranty or else I would go to jail for 50 years.” -Jen, 37

“I answered the call because I thought it was the company I had interviewed at. Instead, it was a woman saying that she was lonely and she missed my big fat cock. The only fat on this body is this phat ass.” -Erika, 25

“I thought it was my friend. Instead, it was a five hundred-year-old Nordic witch named ‘Helgïshnæliačarg’ prophesying the deaths of my future children. So cunty!” -Mel, 22

Clearly, there is no stop in sight for robocalls to spam everyone’s phones. Instead, wish for a world where telemarketers are a little more creative or even empathetic; they are always asking who they are speaking to, but never how the speaker is. Maybe if they listened more they would reach much deeper into people’s pockets!