Dorm Room Pet Goldfish Didn’t Actually Die, Discovered To Have Mutated and Survived in the Tallahassee Sewer System

When it comes to freshman dorm life, unfortunately, a companion besides your creepy roommate usually leaves slim pickings. If you want a pet usually you’re choosing between a pet rock or a fish, so it’s not a surprise people go straight for the PerSmart goldfish isle. Something else unsurprising is how bad college freshmen are at actually taking care of their pet fish. You’d think it would be easy to feed a fish and clean its tank, but apparently not when you have to develop a lifetime of drug and alcohol dependency while also being violently depressed. One of these goldfish after being presumed dead was flushed down the dorm toilet last week, but through the miracles of the Tallahassee sewer system, this goldfish isn’t so ordinary anymore. 

This particular goldfish (obviously named Nemo) was spotted alive and well by multiple FSU students, but this isn’t your Finding Nemo type of friendly fish. This one, thanks to the radioactive chemicals under the beautiful campus of FSU, now has arms, legs, and a six-pack that shines when the light hits it. “I’ve never seen anything like it”, said the owner of the fish when questioned. They added, “It’s like my own personal Frankenstein’s monster, I didn’t think Tallahassee’s sewage system could be so evil”. Needless to say, Nemo’s nightmare has evolved into a threat already causing plenty of problems.

FSU’s literal fish out of water story has taken to the streets attacking students and staff with campus security still unable to catch it. “It’s like Flushed Away if instead of charismatic mice, there’s a horrific freak of nature with biceps bigger than my head” claimed one victim of Nemo’s Ninja Turtle-esque antics. “I’ve never been more humiliated than getting a black eye from a talking fish who’s literally 100 times smaller than me”. There is a lot of mystery behind the aquatic menace, and groups are divided with some cheering on its terror across the city and groups like the fishing boys just wanting to take pictures with it and put it on their Tinder profile. Either way, you look at it, it’s damn good content. 

With the campus security failing to find the fish, check your toilets the next time you need to do your business kids, because it could be waiting. Whether you’re a dog person, a cat person, or even a furry, keeping animals as a form of escape is nearly universal. We get it, there’s no shame in wanting to avoid talking to your randomly assigned roommate who has a suspicious smell. But the next time you overfeed your dorm goldfish to death, maybe think twice before flushing Nemo down the toilet.