How To Walk On Campus Without Being a Fucking Nuisance
It’s your second week of classes. You wake up, noticing a cool breeze outside so you put on a sweater and head to class. You have time, so you take the scenic route from Magnolia through Landis towards HCB. As you’re listening to your favorite songs, you feel on top of the world, it’s your first semester at FSU after all! The world is your oyster. Suddenly, you can sense the nasty looks all around you. You don’t know what you did wrong until someone bumps into you and blurts, “Learn how to walk, dipshit!” At that moment, it hits you: high school prepared you to learn, take notes, and dry hump in the back of your mom's car but never once how to properly walk through campus. You feel hopeless, you don't even know how to walk through the school you’ve come to call home. That is until you see a sign on the bottom of a bench, “Calling all freshmen, come to William Johnston (not to be confused with Williams) building for a walking etiquette seminar.” You’re ecstatic and can’t wait to learn how to walk properly.
Professor Pat Rol, who spearheaded the course 3 years ago, was eager to discuss the class and its purpose with us. “The idea came to me when a freshman ran into me, because she was just staring down at her phone, and I pushed her aside. Inappropriate student walking conduct is just unacceptable.” When asked about some of the principles covered in class, he stated, “One I really like to harp on is the shoelaces. Don’t hold up the sidewalk to tie your shoes. You’ll make it to class without tripping over. Also, if someone stops you to try to sign their petition, just say you disagree with whatever it is. Save the turtles? Fuck ‘em, you’re pro plastic.”
The Eggplant also spoke with a student who was enrolled for the course this semester: “I don't know, I guess it would be cool. I don't really think much. About anything. Wait, if we’re learning how to walk to class, how am I supposed to get there? I didn't see that in the syllabus so I hope the professor doesn't take points off.” We also reached out to a former student of the class, who happily chimed in: “Yeah I took the class a little late, but I caught up fast! I honestly don’t know where I’d be without it. Changed my life. And the $300 extra admission fee is so worth it.” When asked what advice they’d give to incoming freshmen, they had one nugget of wisdom “The biggest mistake I see kids making when they first get here is making eye contact with people as they walk by. Don’t do that. Just look forward and pretend nobody exists. Also don’t smile at people, rookie mistake. It’s mad creepy.”
The students aren’t the only ones affected by bad walkers. The Eggplant sat down with a junior who still goes to class so frequently cruises by Landis to find parking. “I don’t know how they’re instructing the class but anything would help these dumbass kids. Last week, I was slowing down in front of a crosswalk when the guy stopped and tied his shoes. Who does that?? The sidewalk is three feet away. I’ve got places to be too! Don’t drivers matter too?” We had to cut this interview short as the driver began to tear up as he tried to explain in further detail how the pedestrians’ behavior was affecting him.
Whether you’re new to campus or just a clutz in need of a refresher, this course can provide exactly what you need. For just 2 Suwannee meal swipes, you can gain ½ a credit hour and invaluable experience that will last throughout your collegiate career.