Local Student Finds a Feather-y Solution to FSU’s Housing Policy on Co-ed Living
A post on the FSU Confessions Instagram page went viral last week where a student detailed their relationship problems like always. However, this particular post ruffled some feathers in the Tallahassee community. “Things have been complicated between my gf and me since she lives all the way across campus. So I’ve been taking care of the parakeet so I didn’t miss her as much,” the post describes. “However, two weeks ago, I forgot I had a girlfriend, to begin with. I mean they both have the same voice but one of them can fly. Why wouldn’t I choose her?”
The internet immediately identified the student as psychology major Alex Trenchbottom. He was seen at Pots on Friday with the parakeet, or as Alex calls her, Keetie. From what the clubbers said that night Keetie was the life of the party. “All I’m gonna say is girl can hold her liquor,” student Addison Marie stated while loudly chewing her gum. “Miss Keetie was shaking feathers like nobody’s business but she kept asking ‘Where’s Jessica?’” Not only was she doing shots with some Pots-goers, but she was also throwing back birdseed on the dance floor! Beta Zeta pledge Tony Marzoni recounted, “A chick that can break dance and drink more alcohol than the guys, no wonder Alex is attracted to her- I mean uhhh…” The frat bro then stumbled away muttering something about not publishing this.
The fact that Alex’s girlfriend is the owner of the parakeet has led many people to speculate that the relationship is one-sided. A few days ago Alex responded to all the squawking on his Instagram story. “Everybody needs to chill tf out. She said I love you back,” Alex said. According to Google, “Parakeets are able to talk using words that they've heard.” When asked for a comment, Keetie told us “I love you.” Do I… do I have feelings for a bird now? Sorry, I haven’t heard those words spoken to me so sweetly in such a long time that I may have just been turned on. The Eggplant recollected itself and firmly somewhat believes that a bird-human relationship is weird, except in the case of Harry Potter and Hedwig. Come to think of it, they were definitely banging in that cupboard under the stairs.
There have been several missing bird posters plastered all over campus saying “I broke up with Alex weeks ago and he refused to give me back my bird. If you see that dirty little thief tell him to give me my parakeet back. Thank you, Jessica.” After FSUPD was alerted of the situation, Alex miraculously went missing on Sunday. Alex’s friends and family put up missing person posters all over campus saying “Have you seen this man?” Some people believe he went to Australia because parakeets famously love Australia. Best wishes to that bird brain. And Keetie.