Einstein Bagels Employees Are Fed up With Patrons Who Won’t “Shut That Fucking Door”

Arguably one of the best and worst spots on campus to grab a bite to eat is the notorious Einstein Bros. Bagels. Located on the corner in front of HCB, it’s the perfect place to grab breakfast or lunch, that is if you want a side of sass (we wish it was ass too). Despite the line stretching to the Leach, people still think they will be in and out before their next class, so it’s no wonder the employees are always on edge. 

Which raises the question: do employees reserve the right to use physical violence on obnoxious clientele? “I simply asked if they had any more Asiago bagels, even though I could clearly see that the only remaining flavors in the case were Blueberry and Honey Wheat. I just wanted to make sure there weren’t any in the back! They escorted me outside, then proceeded to beat me up!” said second-year Boner Beta brother Josh Roberts. Customers like that should probably be put in their place. Think about it, you would be under significant stress too if you had to serve at the crack of dawn and during the nonstop rushes after class. 

We sat down with one Einstein employee just outside the shop so that she could continue monitoring the line. “You know, for a place called Einstein’s some of these kids have just about zero intelligence. Blaming us when the bagels run out as if we’re the ones forcing you to wait 40 minutes for a piece of bread?” says Rachel Warner, the disgruntled employee. We had to cut the interview short when Rachel spotted an unsuspecting freshman holding the door open for himself and the people behind him. “Shut that fucking door right now,” she began with an even tone. “I have had ENOUGH with you all. What is so hard about keeping the door shut? Do you want flies in your bagels? Didn’t think so.” While she continued her rant, we thought it best to slip out before the rage turned onto us. 

The early bird gets the farmhouse sandwich, which means you must be in line before the sun rises to avoid an excessive wait time and the passively aggressive staff. The Eggplant scoped the place out at 8 am and interviewed the only person we could find enjoying a bagel at this hour, “Last semester if I wanted breakfast, I’d have to shove people on my way out of HCB—no shame in that. I realized I had to wake up early before the workers got too pissed off and before they ran out of literally everything. But yes, I have felt personally victimized by the staff, why do you ask?” Well, if you want an average-quality bagel, be prepared to face appropriately rude staff and lines longer than Pots during Freshman Friday.