It’s Cuffing Szn and the Stars Have It Out for You

With the changing of the leaves and dropping temps, suddenly everyone except for you has settled down with a 5’7 business major or a manic pixie dream girl, who they swear makes them really happy. You take a stroll around campus to clear your head and find yourself muttering, “What the… is this allowed?” as happy couples spread their cooties all over each other in the most public areas. But, honey, cranking up your fall playlist and plastering your best resting bitch face won’t change your fate– listening to our advice will! Here’s what this season’s horoscopes have in store for you and your love life.

Aries,

You’ve been focusing on your schoolwork lately, which is great! Get those grades up, heaven knows you’ve been needing to! But that does not mean you have to start decorating the cubicles in Strozier like they’re your dorm room. Get some sunshine while it's still nice out, you might even have a meet-cute while you live out that main character fantasy of yours and sunbathe on Landis. Maybe one of those hot frisbee players will run you over and buy you a coffee after because they feel bad! Just don’t come on too strong like you tend to do. Play it cool, make minimal eye contact, make jokes at their dispense, and definitely go to dap them up. Leave them thinking about you. 

Taurus,

The stars are saying that your sexy villain phase is imminent. We know that everyone is being annoying right now and that no one walks fast enough on their way to HCB, but that is out of your control… for now. Just remember, you don’t need to spend every single dollar in your bank account to make everyone regret underestimating you. This is a time for change, which might just be your least favorite thing in the world, but trust us, you’ll be coming out of it for the better. PS, you are totally right for forcing your besties into dressing up as Trader Hoe’s, no one gets holiday spirit like you, Taurus.

Gemini,

While you may be beginning to feel confident when tackling your romantic problems, focus this energy on working on yourself right now. This is a time for you to heal your inner middle schooler, the one that was always the first out during the pacer test and not loved enough by mummy and daddy. Consider platonic love, if you can even discern it from the romantic kind. Take the girls out to brunch this weekend and as a bonus challenge, try not to flirt with the waiter, give ‘em a fat cash tip instead. But whatever you do, don’t get a dog; you’re better than that, barely. 

Cancer,

We are all worried for you at this moment. It’s hard to let go of the people who keep fucking you over, but you’ve got to move on to better things, kinder people, and a better major that doesn’t bend you over every Sunday night! What you need right now is some self-care and a little trip to the Frother’s Daughter truck, as a treat. We know that the Lucy Dacus concert last week was hitting a little too close to home, so we also prescribe a rewatch of New Girl because you need it right now.

Leo,

That ballooning ego of yours is not the most attractive to potential partners! Don’t worry, the on-campus Chess Club will email you back any day! Take a deep breath, a step back if you will, maybe a yoga class at the Leach would benefit you to get that blood flowing. Not that we’re insinuating any dysfunction down there… who said that? 

Virgo, 

Headstrong and resilient, you’ve been living your best life, “married to your cats” for far too long. Hit up that one guy from that one time and ditch the class crush who’s been leaching off you for the attendance code, he’s not showing up to class ever again. We challenge you to put on your hottest going-out fit and find a Derek or a Sebastian to sweet talk into buying you drinks. When he turns around to hit his friend’s vape, follow the trail and find whoever’s got a joint. They’re the one for you, good luck!

Libra, 

Hey, Libra! Girl, you have done it again, constantly raising the bar for us all and doing it flawlessly. The confoundingly philosophical life advice you’ve been dealing out to your friends has resonated with everyone except yourself. When you’re left alone you’re probably self-medicating and making sure your insides rot just in time for Halloween. If you’ve got a special someone now is the time to start planning that Velma and Daphne’s couples outfit before the panic sets in and you have to last minute go as a Devil and an Angel and we know you can do better than that. 

Scorpio, 

Scorpio season may be just around the corner but that doesn’t give you the right to act like a dick. That person who keeps randomly appearing at all your favorite places isn’t a coincidence, they’re obsessed with you! Anyone else would find this terrifying but you find it endearing because you love attention. Give them a chance. But in order for this situationship to work out, you’re going to have to keep it in your pants and get off Tinder for a bit. Newsflash: people who want exclusive relationships still exist!

Sagittarius, 

Oh, innocent Sagittarius. You just cannot see what is right in front of you, can you? Chances are you’re the apple of someone’s eye right now, but then again when aren’t you!? Want to lock them down, then monogamy’s the name of the game but we know you don’t play that one too fairly. Still, give it your best shot. “Did someone say shots?” If you want to continue down that destructive path and drink your feelings away, be our guest. We hear this town’s gem of a dive bar, the Tally Strip, is gonna go craaazy this Friday. 

Capricorn, 

Unproblematic AF! Remember when that skateboarder ate shit in front of HCB and you didn’t laugh? Good karma is coming your way! Keep your head up and your heart open this holiday season because you and that long-term relationship may be close to taking that next, longer-term step very soon. And by that we mean expect a new pet for Christmas (sorry, no ring yet).

Aquarius, 

We know you’ve been trying to get yourself out there and have been rejected more times than this student body has when applying to UF. You may also be getting unwanted attention from uggos and people who just don’t meet the insanely unattainable standards you’ve set. But don’t get discouraged babe, try being bold and answer the hoards of tinder messages you’ve got, sexy! And while you’re on there, delete that unsettling picture of your smile not reaching your eyes… Maybe edit your bio too, you’re not actually on there “looking to meet people” you just wanna fu-

Pisces,

We heard you sobbing in the Strozier bathroom, maybe next time keep that to yourself. What was it this time? Your shitty grades, that frat boy with a nicotine addiction, or the impending doom that everyone hates you and the universe is out to get you? Try working on yourself for a while and the right person will come along. Forget hot girl summer, it’s single girl fall for you, babe!