An Open Letter to the People Who Don’t Shut the Fuck up Upstairs in Strozier

It’s the night before your big exam and you haven’t studied one bit. I guess you and your roommate calling each other Academic Weapons isn’t all it takes. You’ve seen the, “You’ve been scrolling for way too long” lady at least a dozen times today. It really is time to activate a time restriction for your TikTok. Exiting out of the app your screen is bombarded with a flurry of GroupMe messages, everyone frantically trying to get help for tomorrow's exam. The smart people are quiet and the unhelpful ones are sending Meme generator pictures… they still make you laugh, but not in a time like this. This chat will be of no help to you unless you one day find yourself desperately trying to price gouge a fellow student out of the free football ticket you knew you weren’t gonna use anyway. 

With your laptop charger in hand, playlist queued, and caffeine brewed– you head over to Strozier, ready to teach yourself the whole course overnight. Following the tight staircase, an open desk presents itself to you on the third floor. Removing your laptop from your backpack as silently as possible to avoid any possibility of being perceived by the group of sorority girls in front of you, you’re finally in the zone. 

That is until an obnoxious laugh tears through the silence of the whole floor. The culprits? A group of 4 people sitting at the middle table, chatting away. They’re either too ignorant or too selfish to pay attention to the annoyed stares from around the room. Social anxiety won’t let me talk to strangers my age, so, in good Eggplant fashion, here’s a strongly worded letter. 

Dear shitheads at the library,

Why even come to the library? Y’all know that ‘Spoof’ hasn’t opened yet, right? Everyone is here trying to scramble to get our work done. If nobody had work to do everyone would be at the CDU Eggplant panel. And yes, everyone understands it's hard to balance school and friendships but General Business Communications is hard dammit! Sure, FSU may not have a lot of hangout spots on campus, unless you count the Student Union, 1851, The Student Life Center, Ruby Diamond, the 4 on-campus Starbucks, Landis, Dirac, the on-campus Chick-fil-A, The Den, The Student Life Center, Paint-A-Pot, the bowling alley, and The Leach. Please, leave the good library to us regular people with bad grades and no friends. But since finding a new spot can be hard, Strozier has graciously taken it upon itself to sponsor a new campus event– the quiet game. The rules are easy to follow so you won’t be at a disadvantage if you’re a first-time player. All you need to do is come into the library with a group of your friends (preferably bring some homework) and SHUT THE FUCK UP! Please for the love of God! Winners will be put in a drawing for $25 dining dollars to ensure everyone takes it seriously.

Hope to see, not hear, you soon.

Kisses,

The Eggplant