Op-Ed: Township’s Flip Friday is a Scam

Townships' ever-so-popular Flip My Ship promotion is now under investigation by the Tallahassee Police Department for allegations of fraud. The premise of the promotion is that a  simple heads or tails bet could land you a free drink with the shittiest bottom-shelf liquor at one of College Town's most popular bars. The price of this bottom-of-the-barrel fix is undoubtedly overpriced, but hey, you might get a chance to get it for free! Despite this, it isn't the drink prices that are raising suspicions. It's the aim of the game. How is it that a so-called 50/50 shot at free liquor ends up not being so 50/50? It can’t just be that I never win – it calls for an investigation into the whole operation. 

Several student spies were sent in to do official research this past Friday. For this experiment, we chose to test physical attractiveness, alcoholism, and the presence or absence of “regular” status. Interestingly, a majority of females left absolutely shit-faced with no charge on their credit cards. These women were sent in cashless and with locked credit cards, but just so happened to have amazing luck at the game. Self-proclaimed “alpha males” left with a couple of charges, but largely not a lot of losses, likely due to their fellow brothers setting them up with the occasional “try again” or “that looks like heads to me!” In contrast, I left with an almost $75 tab, miraculously losing every game. The investigation furthers and the plot thickens.

An inside source at Township anonymously reported that the Flip My Ship Promotion was rigged more than the CFB playoff commission. Apparently, employees are required to maintain a 75/35 loss ratio. How do they do this, you might ask? Kyle Jones, a disgruntled ex-employee, gave up the scoop. “Yep! That shit is rigged. They told me if I didn't make $25,000 in sales that night, I'd be fired. Didn't have it in me to cheat, I'm better than that, I actually have ethics. Learned that in Philosophy 101… Sisyphus’s story was CRAZY relatable.” Shortly after this interview, Jones stopped responding to our messages. While scrolling through the FSU class of 2025 Snapchat story, we learned that he had gotten into a terrible scooter incident leaving him with severe memory loss. One can only assume the Township higher-ups were trying to silence him. 

What better way to investigate this mystery further than to attend the Friday Block Party? Wake up, pre-band, pre-game, rally. I decided it was time to do this investigation solo. Cash in hand, I made my way to the first bar. 

Is it the wording effect that scores people free drinks? I try again. This time different combinations of heads or tails, variations of “may I” or “can I.” Watching body language, and eye contact. Each time a different result. I start keeping a tally. Win, win, lose, win, lose, lose, lose, win… what is the angle? All of a sudden, it came to me. Coin counting. Those bastards are coin-counting. Just as I was connecting the dots, I was immediately carried out. Big Brother overlooks the bars to find coin counters. He got me. I knew too much. This resulted in a permanent ban.

I strutted home with not a lick of embarrassment, just pride. I laid my head to rest; however, when I woke up, memories of the previous night had been wiped. Township got me. I knew they were good…but not this good. I rummaged through my notes, trying to piece together the previous night. The post-club-clarity begins to hit, although not with enough force. My notes read, “gbsdjf food thenld gin no help fhekd.” Shit, they even got to my notes. 

Although we might never crack the case of Township’s Flip My Ship, we at The Eggplant are committed to securing free bottom-shelf liquor for our readers. More research will be conducted next week, maybe the next, too, and maybe the week after that. Until next time.