Horrible: Your Unemployed Friend Somehow Never Runs Out Of Money To Buy Things

For many, college is the time when you’re the poorest you’ll ever be. If you thought the ramen noodles stereotype was false, I’m sure thousands of freshmen dorm dwellers would prove you wrong. Money doesn’t grow on trees, but some seem to have found the trick to a forest of them. Whether it’s daddy’s money or some questionable business ventures, that person who sits around all day while you’re hard at work has their shit covered. An “infinite money for Taco Bell glitch,” if you will. Going on a hike at 10 am on a Tuesday or sitting at a coffee shop to read feminist literature? Whatever it is, being a “creative” is definitely not a job. They want to focus on their education, of course!

The psychological effects of this financially erratic behavior are catastrophic. Your friend’s roommate, Jeremy – who would like to be referred to as RJ for anonymity purposes – endlessly searches for the source of your friend’s big pile of moolah – which would like to be referred to as $$$$ dollah bills for rebranding purposes. Within their first year as roommates, they decided to go on a trip to Seattle to see if you can hear a rainstick when it's raining. “I was the only one adding money to the fund jar,” says RJ, preparing my Chipotle in a way that guarantees I won’t tip him. “I got onto him about it, and he just said, ‘I’m not worried, bro.’ I save up four grand in this jar working my ass off every day, only to find that I’m 2k short.” RJ lifts the side of his Chipotle uniform to reveal a scar where his kidney once resided “Suddenly, the day of the trip, he says he thought that jar was for shits and giggles and drops that he has $5k left to spend for the month. My other kidney imploded in response.”

To get to the bottom of things, we asked your bum-ass rich friend directly for their secrets. The unemployed individual, wishing to remain anonymous, commented, “I’m not really that rich. My family is just comfortably upper-middle class.” He then added, “I can afford all of my stuff because I save. We struggled a lot when I was a kid, you know!” This idea of a “struggle” was not being able to watch SpongeBob past 8 P.M.. When asked if members of their family were in the mafia, the nepo baby gave their best Tony Soprano impression while saying, “I resent that. We come from the waste management business.” Needless to say, they know how to make more than waste disappear. You want to be friends with this person? You’re gonna have to be discreet about your loyalty. Do they know something we don't? They certainly made it seem that way when I got slipped a greasy 10-dollar bill. For self-respecting journalists, this bribery would be an insult. I’m not one of them. 

I found myself in the same boat as your bum-ass rich friend. I sit here, doing jack shit, with 10 dollars in my hand in exchange for the simple act of inaction. The potential of your friend being a member of some sort of generational crime syndicate is at the very least worth mentioning, but mentioning it is all I will do. From where I’m sitting (again, in my room doing jack shit), there seems to be some quality to your friend’s character that I find admirable but would struggle to find a word for. Yes, I “would”, if I didn’t just get bribed with 10 times my salary at The Eggplant.