BREAKING: Moshing Might Actually Be The Gayest Thing A Man Could Do
In the 1980s, moshing was born in the dark pits of testosterone-powered punk rock and heavy metal scenes. This is where you’d find swarms of sweaty men, flinging themselves at each other in a sea of flannel and guy-liner to let out their inner aggressions. The whole concept of suppressed emotions being worked through with violence is such a seemingly heterosexual activity. It’s just a guy thing, you wouldn’t get it, right? WRONG! As our society has developed regarding queer theory, we have come to terms with a shocking revelation: moshing might actually be the gayest thing a man could do.
At its core, moshing is simply one big, hostile group hug. However, this slamming of elbows is more than just audacious indulgence: these men spend their nights pulling and grinding as they crash into each other. This level of fidelity is usually reserved for drunk freshmen at Recess or cringy long-term relationships. And yet, you can witness this phenomenon amongst a group of self-proclaimed alpha males at a DIY show. If they get knocked into, their first reaction isn’t to yell at them, but to think I'm going to touch you even harder. And don’t even get me started on how their hands linger on each other’s torsos as they part ways.
Tallahassee’s very own local scene was a perfect site to investigate further. In one instance, two men became so caught up in their wrestling that they ended up in a passionate entwine on the ground. After being checked on to make sure they weren’t hurt, they continued in their glorified cuddling session. Trust me, this high level of connection is only comparable to something you’d commonly witness in an early 2000s rom-com. Later that night, we pulled one of those men aside to ask about his thoughts on moshing. “I stay up all night longing for the next time I get to mosh. There’s no place I rather be than in a dark sweaty pit of men roughing each other up,” said the self-declared heterosexual.
On another occasion, we had the privilege of speaking with the tearful girlfriend of an avid mosher: “When we first started dating he was the perfect guy, but since he got into moshing, it’s all he cares about. I’m scared I’m losing him to the mass of grabby guys. AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, I HAVEN’T GOTTEN LAID IN SIX MONTHS!”
Our staff here at The Eggplant do feel sympathy for these men and hope they get help soon, whether it be to soothe their anger issues or come to terms with their homoerotic fantasies. Either way, Freud would be proud. So next time you find yourself in this sea of flailing fists and overgrown mullets, maybe consider why you might feel a certain spark of electricity as you make eye contact with the man about to force you to the ground. What you may discover is something far from the red-pilled podcasts you shove into your brain. If you turn off those voices, you’ll be able to hear the faint whispers of your true calling: homosexuality.