The Guy In Front Of You In Your Lecture Is Looking At Some Very Interesting Websites
The landscape of the average Florida State University classroom is a desolate one. Every ‘Nole grows accustomed to the scuffed beige walls with that hideous red trim, the clocks that have needed new batteries since the Bush administration, and the chairs that are one exasperated lean backward from snapping in two. For those poor souls who cannot eschew class due to an attendance policy or academic drive (lame), classmates’ laptop screens provide entertainment second only to getting White girl wasted in the student union. However, recent reports indicate that this beloved university pastime may be a front for something more sinister.
It’s a universal college experience. You get to class and settle into your seat, watching as your classmates do the same. Your professor walks in, sets their bag down, and begins their biweekly diatribe about something boring and altogether unimportant. All of a sudden, as though rehearsed, the room is awash with the technicolor blaze of a dozen screens, each one a little window into the life and times of its owner. There are the usual characters, of course. There is the woman near the front with blue-blonde platinum hair and fresh gel manicure, perusing the digital racks of Princess Polly and SHEIN listlessly with her Stanley tumbler in hand. More towards the middle is a mullet-clad young man wearing far too much cologne – he cycles between chess.com and iMessage, where he gaslights whatever poor creature he most recently matched with on Tinder.
More interesting than poor fashion taste or interpersonal manipulation, however, are those colorful individuals who defy stereotypes. Eggplant reporters have recently been informed of some disturbing incidents attributed to this population. In the greatest feat of investigative journalism since Watergate, The Eggplant planted covert operatives in classes campus-wide to collect intelligence on the situation. Their conclusion? “Oh yeah. They’re planning something,” stated S. P. O’Naj, who agreed to go on the record. “But we’re not quite sure what. We think their agents are concentrated in the College of Business. There’s a guy in my Intro to Coloring class, I think he’s their arms manufacturer. He’s been working on 1:1 scale models of the Elemental Weapons from Lego Ninjago in Blender for weeks now. If those things get into the hands of a Spinjitzu master? I don’t even want to think about it.”
Other agents have expressed similar concerns. A source in an Advanced Topics in Finger Painting class reports having observed a gentleman behaving suspiciously in Google Earth’s flight simulator, worryingly near the famously phallic Florida State Capitol building. “With Tallahassee International so close … well, it’s scary. In a post-9/11 society, I think we’re all afraid of something like that happening again,” lamented our source. “All it takes is one ballsy, anti-American, dickhead to hurt a lot of people, you know?”
When questioned regarding the suspect’s perceived piloting ability, our source was happy to report that “he was pretty ass. I’ve been watching him all semester, and it’s mind-boggling how hard a time he has keeping it up. The plane, I mean.”