Our Super Bowl LIX Predictions
It’s the time of year when everyone gathers in homes across the nation to celebrate America in the most anticipated holiday of the year: the Super Bowl. Not only do the celebrations include men yelling at women for even thinking of touching the remote, but it also marks the biggest gambling event of the year (probably), which means your odds of winning increase tenfold (definitely). To help you maximize monetary gains, here’s what I think is going to go down on the field so you know what to put your money on:
Change in Pre-game Flyover. Taylor Swift’s private jet performs the pregame flyover. Why would the military willingly take the heat of the increased carbon emissions when Ms. Swift already does it with so much grace?
The Lack of Sparks Flying. In order to avoid the lights going out again, they’re actually never turned on. The game is played in the glow of LED headlights of cars lining the sidelines since those are the brightest damn things you’ve ever seen.
Halftime Surprise. The halftime show starts, the crowd starts cheering as Kendrick Lamar comes out, and suddenly, BOOM: here comes Beyoncé. She’s throwing him to the ground as AMERIICAN REQUIEM starts to play. She goes on to perform the entire Cowboy Carter album uninterrupted.
New Ad: Football Ratio. Historically ads are the only reason people watch the game anyway, and that’s no big secret. This year, broadcasters finally decided to give the people what they’ve asked for: better entertainment. Football will only take up 25% of the runtime, while commercials will take up the other 75%. It’s what we all want anyway.
Game Ball Disappearance. The teams return to the game after a long commercial break, only to find the football is nowhere to be seen. After spending a very confusing couple of minutes searching for it, another one is brought out to replace it and keep the game going. When asked in a post-game interview about the situation, Nick Sirianni denies any knowledge related to the eBay listing of “Football touched by the future Mr. Taylor Swift.”
The Lousy Bowl I. Immediately following the Super Bowl broadcast, the Lousy Bowl I airs, featuring the two worst teams in the NFL: The Tennessee Titans and the Jacksonville Jaguars. Unsurprisingly, more people will tune in to watch the triple overtimes that occur before the referees decide it’s just not worth it and pack up to go home, resulting in a tie.
Second Half Mix-Up. At the start of the second half, two huge bingo cages are brought out to center field: one with the Chiefs logo, the other with the Eagles’ logo. Every seat in the stadium is eligible to be drafted into the game and replace each team's kicker. Hopefully, the game doesn’t come down to field goals.
Encouraging Fan Involvement. Realizing that everyone hates on the calls made by referees, an executive decision was made that anytime a flag is thrown on a play, the decision is made via Twitter poll, but no replays or challenges are allowed.