How To Get Over Your Girlfriend’s Horrible Driving

Woah! Tired of your girlfriend driving like Stevie Wonder? Me too! It’s scary in the passenger seat of that car! If your girlfriend makes you feel unsafe when she’s behind the wheel, you may not be alone. A recent research study shows that while women are actually exceptional at driving, girlfriends specifically are some of the worst when it comes to automobile-related incidents. But fear not! With a little bit of therapy, and getting over some of that internalized misogyny that your mom probably gave you from that time that she cheated on your dad, you can pop that Incubus CD in and start enjoying driving with your girlfriend.

We recently spoke with resident girlfriend driving expert Izon Darode, who gave us the keys to being a successful passenger princess.

“The main thing is trust,” says Darode. “Love is simply not enough. I don’t love my girlfriend at all, but I trust her: that’s what’s important.” 

Alright. You know, I’m actually not surprised. There are a lot of loveless relationships out there. So, if you’re reading this and thinking about breaking up with your ugly-in-the-face boyfriend or your ugly-in-the-heart girlfriend or just your all around ugly ass partner, then you should totally break up. Couldn’t be me though! So maybe don’t listen to my relationship advice I guess.

“Who are you talking to?” Darode says. 

Oh, I didn’t know you could hear me. I thought I was just a nameless and spaceless entity that existed only when a reader’s gaze fell upon my words. 

“Hey why don’t you stop acting so fucking weird and keep interviewing me.” 

Oh…okay.

“One of the things that girlfriends will do is actually make you self conscious of your driving. Whether it’s remarks like ‘Oh, you’re taking that road?’ or ‘you drive like my dad,’ they’re always trying to undercut you.”

Am I real?

“What?” says Darode.

Are you real? Is any of this real? Can you see me?

“Anyway, another thing girlfriends do is incessantly TEXT AND DRIVE! They simply can’t be stopped in this regard, and it’s better just to let them do it and even encourage them to do it when you’re in the passenger seat.” 

Will anything make the setting of the sun easier? Will I watch the smile of death grow on the face of time, and one day be able to laugh?

“Hey dude, I’m gonna give you one more chance to stop acting weird or I’m done. Snap out of it!” says Darode.

All in all, Girlfriends kind of suck, especially at driving. But sometimes, girlfriend awesome. When girlfriend awesome, life awesome too. When drive girlfriend awesome, life girlfriend can be awesome too. 

“God, what is wrong with you? I’m so glad this is over” says Darode. 

Is it ever over?

“Hey! Why don’t you shut up!”