Tallahassee Singles Begin Raising Goats & Chickens In Return to Traditional Dowry System
Good citizens of Tallahassee; fret no longer, as our prayers have been answered. Gone are the days of Honda Civic hookups and buying cranberry juice in bulk, for we have been delivered from the grip of the modern dating scene by two of our very own. After getting ghosted last semester by the umpteenth mustached man with a nose ring and vintage T-shirt collection, Kayla Grace had enough. She drove to Tractor Supply, bought a few freshly-hatched chicks along with the necessary chicken-rearing supplies, and drove straight back to her apartment. She hasn’t looked back since.
“I admit, my strategy sounds pretty grotesque at first. I probably would have reservations if I had even a vague notion of self-esteem or, God forbid, pride. But I lost both those things many Hinge matches ago,” Grace sighed as she tossed her flock some soggy Chick-fil-A fries. “And besides – I could spend $400 on a balayage and a year of FaceTune V.I.P., but beauty fades. These chickens? They’re gonna be around forever. Or at least their average lifespan of 3 or 4 years.” Grace and her equally romantically disillusioned roommate, Trevor Sanchez, have converted their apartment living room into a henhouse. Dick, their rooster and breeding male, keeps vigilant watch over the hens and, by extension, the apartment. “He gets a lot more action than either of us do, that’s for sure. I think he sees me as a lesser male because of it,” remarked Sanchez. “Which I think is misogynistic on his part.”
Grace and Sanchez explained their strategy to Eggplant reporters over eggnog, omelettes, and meringue cookies. Here’s hoping bird flu is just a scam. In a dating pool swimming with beautiful people, the pair struggled to set themselves apart from the herd. Sanchez is only 5’10”, and Grace is a natural brunette. Needless to say, the deck is stacked against them. “We’re too dumb for the stock market, too smart for crypto, and too poor for sports betting. My dad pays my tuition in Marlboro Miles and aluminum soda cans,” Sanchez explained. “This is our only chance to create generational wealth, in large part because the animals do most of the work for us. Sure, it can be hard to watch an animal that eats its own shit live out your dreams of romance, passionate lovemaking, and raising a child, but…” Sanchez began to weep uncontrollably.
Grace quickly directed reporters towards the balcony “enrichment area,” where a group of young hens were observing the College Town goings-on. They appeared transfixed as they watched a group of freshmen perform the ancient Tallahassee ritual of removing a necessary street sign from a highly trafficked area. “We thought we needed to get them toys, but they seem perfectly satisfied watching an average Friday night go down,” Grace sighed. If nothing else comes of this adventure, at least we can branch out into using FarmersOnly.com.”