Student Accidentally Sticks COVID Swab up Too Far, Swishes Brain Out Like an Egyptian Mummy

Now that it's officially spooky season, we can’t help but obsess over the rise of living room candy bowls and crisp weather, especially because it’s a damn miracle we’ve been able to stay in school all the way until midterms. While most people are doing nothing but drinking pumpkin spice lattes and going to football tailgates without masks, one student’s autumn was a lot spookier than he bargained for. Namely, because he stuck his COVID test way too far in his nasal cavity and swished his brain out, just like a mummy from ancient Egypt.

Jake Mansfield, lover of all things mansplaining and Barstool Sports, has been partying nonstop since Governor DeSantis lifted the restrictions on bars and restaurants. Now, he’s recovering at Tallahassee Memorial after accidentally removing three fourths of his brain with a COVID swab. “Last week, I drank an entire cup of Everclear mixed with Fireball and thought it was La Croix. I legit couldn’t taste anything; the vibes were insane. It was all fun and games until I started struggling to breathe, so I drove up to the Tuck and did the self-swab while still drunk from the night before. I stuck the damn swab up so far my brain goop dripped straight out of my nose. Now I’m stuck wasting away at TMH, losing all of my leg gains from the last week.”

Kara Fisher, Jake’s girlfriend and highly-rated Depop shop owner, has been struggling to wrap her head around how something so incredibly idiotic could happen to her boyfriend. “My sweet Jake; I can’t believe something so horrific happened to him. He was a dumbass when I started dating him, but he was just enough of a ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ type to make me look past his nicotine dependency and excess credit card debt. Now, I don’t think he’ll ever recover. His brain cell count was already low from all the times he jumped off the roof of his frat house onto the beer pong table. I honestly didn’t believe he had that much brain to damage in the first place. I’ve been cheating on his exams for him until we can figure out how to get him his brain back, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up for.”

Jake Mansfield’s story should be viewed as a cautionary tale regarding the dangers of overzealous self-swabbing and lack of proper social distancing. Don’t let the image escape you--his literal brain seeped out of his nostrils. Like a mummy. But unlike Nefertiti, Jake is not a mummy. He’s Jake. Now his friends are going to knock on his head like it’s a door and it’ll seriously sound hollow. What is this? “Looney Tunes?” Don’t let this be you, stay home and stay safe instead!