Angel of Death’s Snapchat Story Calls 1000 Person Party “Lit”

Earlier this year, Ron DeSantis called the plague into Florida. Tragically, not even every Greek restaurant in Tallahassee combined has enough lamb’s blood to protect the deadly fate awaiting FSU’s grisly party-goers. DeSantis’ encouragement of the state’s youth to endanger as many lives as they can only be attributed to his use of their blood to achieve his signature glowing red complexion. Maybe the governwhore is so steeped in pro-war ideology that he believes young people dying to be a natural part of life? Or maybe, just maybe, his own Draconian policing of protests, organizers, and demonstrators might serve as an indication of his basic disregard for human lives. That, or he’s a raging party animal!  

Spiritual figure and authority on the matter, The Angel of Death, recorded themself attending the recent 1000 person party, which threw FSU’s name into national outrage and several embarrassing headlines. “These people are partying like they’re dying tomorrow,” wrote Ms. Death on their Snapchat story. Multiple party-goers did in fact die the next day and FSU’s administration was too wimpy to take the blame. “They didn’t even have to call me! I heard that soulless EDM and slurred yelling for MiCaleigh--or was it Makayla?--and threw on my party cloak knowing this would be way more fun than hanging out near the ventilators at Tallahassee Memorial,” said Death while filing their nails on their scythe. 

MaCaela Johnson, of the Johnson & Johnson fortune, shared her perspective on the morbid party. “Yeah I do kinda remember a sort of hard-to-look at, glowing presence, but I just thought it was my eighth White Claw finally kicking in.” When asked if belonging to a soap dynasty has affected her conduct in quarantine, Johnson replied, “I mean, I don’t wash my hands at home because it’s my home, ya know? Like, I’ll wash my hair if I smell like the Bajas vomit-ridden fog machine the next day, but, I’m usually pretty good at not consuming more than I need, which is half a bottle of Svedka and a full mint Puff Bar” 

In compositing the Snapchats of students and the Angel of Death, health experts and people with more than one (1) brain cell have concluded that the ongoing partying is a direct effect of capitalist crooks and careless cops. The “College Bill of Rights” led by Ron DeSantis is yet another example of prioritizing the preservation of generational wealth for political power over actually providing for the people suffering through a pandemic. He has another two years left in office as governor, but collectively, if enough readers can pray for his downfall, maybe, just maybe, Miss Angel can make a stop at his tacky Tallahassee mansion and carry his essence to the deepest pit of hell, beneath the dust of Guantanamo Bay.