TallyPD Enforces New Curfew This Week, Citing Fear of Own Shadow
In light of last weekend’s controversial curfew, the Tallahassee Police Department has decided to extend this seemingly unnecessary mandate. Much like a spineless groundhog, short daylight hours have seemed to spook these riot-shield wielding juggernauts into hiding behind their blue wall of courage. It seems, alive or not, anything dark that moves causes these glorified stormtroopers to piss themselves on the spot.
“The thing that you kids don’t understand is the sacrifice we have to commit to serving this community. I get that this zip code is one of the poorest in the state and that we have a multi-million dollar budget. I don’t even live here, but I need you all to respect us,” explained Chief Pee-pee Poo-poo while he peeled off some poor sucker’s registration off a nearby car before writing a big, juicy ticket to fill his weekly quota. “This new diversity training thing taught me that I have to, like, actually try and be nice to you all, no matter if you are black, white, blue, green or whatever. That’s a lot of colors and I don’t really have the patience to learn them all. I don’t see color anyway.”
“We already know that law enforcement officers are basically bottom feeders, but this doesn’t make sense. I get that the only thing separating TallyPD from our four-legged porcine friends is that they have maybe one more brain cell and enough in-house weaponry to stop a zombie apocalypse, but this is a new low,” said Tallahassee local and longtime activist, Juste Isse while he painted a “?” on a nearby cruiser now reading ‘Law Enforcement?’ “Just yesterday I saw three of them try to handcuff a literal shadow for ‘not cooperating.’ It would be funny if these numbskulls were not carrying weapons that could literally kill us the second they felt the inevitable power craze that comes with having a job with no consequences for straight-up murder.”
It feels like ages since mainstream media has shown police brutality and the bias that continues to rear its ugly head, but this is a friendly neighborhood reminder that it is still happening. Protests are still happening. Justice has not been served and we need to be diligent in defending one another, since the people who get paid six-figures to do such definitely do not. If you think racism has solved itself because your childhood bully posted a black square on Instagram, you might want to pull your own head out of your ass.