New Totally Legitimate COVID Test Goes Right Up the Ass
Entering the new fall semester, FSU has been proudly boasting their minimally invasive and totally reliable FDA approved COVID-19 testing with results that come faster than your ex; sticking a swab so far up your nose that it tickles your brain. Boy have they delivered! But for those looking for something that skips right over invasive into downright intimate, the new COVID-19 anal testing offered in the abandoned parking lot behind The Strip is just for you!
“Please come on down, we give tests anytime--and we mean any. Though preferably when it’s dark out, and where we will be entirely out of sight from the main road or side streets. This is all just for patient confidentiality--pinky promise,” said Doctor redacted of redacted and redacted, well known among students for working at the Health and Wellness Center, though why they are currently sporting a fake mustache and are using an ethnically ambiguous accent is anyone's guess. “We also offer prescriptions and exam answers, 20% off your first purchase.” When asked where and when those tested could expect their results Doctor aaaaaaaa slowly backed away into the darkness of the closed Tenn dance floor.
“I’m sorry, but what about this doesn’t scream ‘sketchy as shit?’ Do you need someone to start waving candy in front of your face while enticing you into an oversized white van before any form of warning bells go off in your head?” Nagged Katey Vanguard, someone with a stick so far up their ass there wouldn’t be room for the new COVID test up there no matter how hard you tried. “This doesn’t even sound real. It sounds like some shock-value satire a drunk college student whipped up at one in the morning. If you want to get some majorly untrustworthy test then by all means, do it. I would just rather lose all my trust and remaining innocence to something worthwhile, like my next boyfriend.”
With all this in mind, the staff of The Eggplant FSU has set our appointments and will be getting our new and improved COVID tests done in the parking-lot-turned-clinic this upcoming weekend. If you’re looking for more information, so are we. We haven’t found a single person who seems to know anything about this COVID test and we’re desperately seeking the answer to the riddle you need to solve in order to get it. With all this in mind, maybe just take the smart route and schedule your appointment to be tested through FSU, or if you can’t be bothered, visit the nearest local party and your positive result is a near guarantee!