Tennessee Street Target Happy to See Other Stories Carrying the Same Amount of Stock

Okay, okay. We know the Tennessee Street Target is an easy ... target. We’ve already talked about them before. But in recent weeks, the staff have been dancing on their empty shelves and empty freezers and have finally caught a break. Panic shopping has really evened out the competition in the past few weeks; after all, no one can complain about Baby Target if everyone else is empty too. Hell, there’s no one even out on the streets to shop. Are the jobs of every retail employee in danger as businesses are cutting their losses? Will this throw students who need the money into a place of financial insecurity? Of course! But at the cost of not being the butt of a running joke—it’s definitely worth it.

“I’m sort of relieved honestly. It’s never been easier to sell out of everything. Not that a single pack of Play-Doh cookies and two ‘Get Better Soon’ cards is hard to lose but that’s beside the point,” explains Target manager Dan Rodriguez. “We thought our luck ran out when Lucky’s (rest in peace) stepped out to make room for us. But this Coronacation was a double whammy if I’ve ever seen one. Now everyone is out of everything and the other grocery stores can’t have their dumb cliques. What? You didn’t know about those? It’s ‘Mean Girls’ out here but with deli counters. They keep comparing their meat stock sizes and we could never get past a ton. We kept telling these guys that stock doesn’t matter but then they’d laugh about how we only have six aisles. It was a battlefield we braved every day.”

“I don’t care what those nerds at Missed the Target told you. They still aren’t being invited to the Corona-BYOB Bash,” boasts the illest Publix Manager around, Darren. “They’re still not one of us. I won’t even drive past that glorified 7/11. Just because our shelves are empty too doesn’t mean we magically have the same number of storage spaces. See, we look like an abandoned warehouse while they look like a broke college student’s pantry. It was never comparable. We keep telling Target we need to practice social distancing but, honestly, we just don’t want them within six feet of us. They can’t shut up about their location and the Dirac wannabe Starbucks, but they get real quiet when we say the words “produce section.”

While the popularity battle between Tiny Tot Target and the other grocery stores rages on, many students wonder what they will do to pay rent for the next month. Without a source of income or any kind of preparedness plan, most corporations have been shrugging shoulders and responding to our emails with “Well that’s capitalism!” Many have figured that, at the very least, they won’t have to worry about being groceries or any kind of food. You know, cause everywhere is fucking empty.