Wisdom Teeth Removal Done by Tying Tooth to Star Metro Bus
Botched rhinoplasties and black market silicone injections have run rampant between the bookshelves of Strozier and beneath the bleachers of Doak for years. Yet, this bloody jungle gym of body modification has only expanded as a new form of cosmetic crafternooning roots itself at FSU by the skin of their teeth, more specifically, their wisdom teeth. Anyone with the Rider app and some twine is now a suspect in an active investigation to find the dental dynamo conducting these bootleg wisdom teeth removals. Friends and family of those who underwent these extractions are now referring to the new and energy-efficient procedure as the Star Metro tooth yank. As FSUPD searches for the culprit, pedestrians and undercover investigators alike are all scanning the backs of local busses for loose string or a splattering of human gums.
Doris Jam, a rare witness to one of the now-infamous tooth yanks reported watching the procedure happen as she waited for her bus on Jefferson. “After a long night of hooking—I mean, studying—at 1851, the last thing I was about to do was call FSUPD. But then I saw that the girl who pulled her teeth out was still hunched over at the bus stop before mine with some guy in a cloak and rubber gloves. I didn’t really have the mental capacity to go check in with her, all that...studying, but I did really consider running to the nearest blue light when I heard teeth skipping across the asphalt the whole way home. It made me realize that tying cans to the car after marrying someone might actually just be loud.” When asked about any further identifications of the culprit, Jam began providing a profile that resembled the Babadook almost exactly.
The victim, Cassidy Crow, was last able to speak allegedly after filling out a symptoms slip at the Health & Wellness Center. She was immediately (after a brief 4-hour wait) bandaged and gauzed, in an attempt to plug her now gaping tooth holes. When asked for a statement during Crow’s visiting hours, Crow provided a bloody mumbling that has since been translated to a questionable quote, “My teef hurt tho bad. He helped me. Tho what? I needed 45 thtitcheth after. Who doethn’t ?” Crow’s defense of her dental deceiver became increasingly questionable once Crow popped open a Mentos gum bottle filled with Vicodin. Between sneaking pills from the nurse who only offers Powerade, Crow confessed in a drowsy stupor, “Honethtly, it was hith idea. Definitely one of my more memorable firth dateth. Do you uthe Bumble too?”
Perhaps his work is that of a vigilante. Perhaps the Star Metro Tooth Yanker is attempting to use public transport to its fullest capacity. This could be read as barbaric and gory, yet couldn’t it also be seen as a radical bucking of private health care? Sure, maybe FSU needs to put an end to these street-side medical makeovers. But maybe, just maybe, FSU needs to put an end to charging so damn much for wisdom teeth removal surgery and realize healthcare IS a human right!