Best Therapists in Tallahassee to Send Your Roommates to After Seeing Their Spotify Wrapped
If you’re like everyone else, you’ve spent the last week watching your Spotify Wrapped story over and over again. You’ve probably also watched your crush’s on their Instagram story just as often via a secret screen recording. With all the excitement in the COVID-infested air, have you taken a moment to check on your roommates? If they haven’t posted their top five artists for the world to see, it’s probably because they’re a little embarrassed. If you see people like Phoebe Bridgers, Fiona Apple, and Maggie Rogers on your friend’s Wrapped, don’t worry: we can help. We’re going to be counting down the top three therapists you can send your roommates to right now, so you can all stop listening to the detached crying at 3 A.M. through your thin student apartment walls.
1. Eva Killings
We can all admit we went through some rough patches in 2020, but some definitely more than others. There’s nothing that heals a broken spirit more than passing through the Suwannee Room counter and hearing Ms. Killings say, “Hey my babies, I love you!” While you might break down in tears over your soggy green beans, it will certainly be a release from the hollow grips of Frank Ocean’s “Blonde.” And, of course, Ms. Killings will always be there to comfort you and, if you’re lucky, walk you back to your stinky dorm.
2. Reggie the Campus Cat
Reggie can’t talk, but he’s a great listener. You can usually find Reggie laying right next to Dirac during his business hours of 5 P.M. to 3 A.M. Reggie also has no concept of Spotify or music in general, so he won’t judge you when you admit you fell for a finance major who proudly broadcasted that his top podcast was The Joe Rogan Experience. Petting Reggie will allow you to release some childhood angst from when your parents never let you have a pet, and his meows might even sound like the “I love you’s” you were so desperate for your parents to give you.
3. A Stray Union Construction Worker
When there’s actually some around, the Union construction workers are a great source of therapeutic relief. They have soundproof headsets on, so it will feel like you’re talking into the void. This can be really helpful if you just need to vent about how your roommate won’t stop listening to the Call Her Daddy podcast even though she’s never done anything crazier than spray RedBull out of her nose. If you arrive at the right time, construction workers might even forcibly remove you from the property, which could trigger a big breakthrough for anyone who’s ever craved an authority figure in their lives.
While quarantine certainly did a number on everyone’s Spotify analytics during 2020, you can’t blame your shitty music taste on staying inside all year. At some point, it becomes your responsibility to stop wallowing in your sadness while listening to Mitski and accept your 2020 Wrapped for what it is: a reflection of your steep mental decline. Get help.