Campus Cockroaches Seen Wearing Little Beanie Hats and Mittens
Oh gosh. Oh boy. Oh golly. Look at ‘em. Look at ‘em go. They’re little, ah! They’ve got little hats and mittens! Look at these little lads prance around the pavement floor. Those wooly feet crawling around are just so darn cute. Just listen to the little pitter patter of knitted boots and antennae on the floor. Wait, look at that one! And that one! He has a little checkered scarf. Oh my god, they are so adorable. They’re all bundled up and ready to shit in the corners of my pantry. I have never been so excited to have a cockroach infestation.
“Usually, I’d just kill all bugs on sight, but how could I crush these guys? They are the most precious angels!” confessed dorm resident Jamie Fritz as she picked up one of her “precious angels” from the garbage room floor and cradled it like a baby. “I love these roaches more than myself and my boyfriend. I have named and adopted four of the hundreds I have seen so far. I named the first one ‘Big Man’ because he’s the big man on campus. His little brother is the chill ‘Little T. Thrasher’ and the other two are named after my roommates because they are always up in my shit and they don't respect my privacy. Just because I bought a box of Ritz crackers and left it out doesn’t mean it’s free real estate. All I am asking for is basic manners! Wait, I don’t have to say their names on record, right? Are we still talking about cockroaches in beanies and mittens?”
“You know, it is a little strange how many cockroaches are hiding in the walls of this building. Furthermore, where the hell are they getting the winter wear?” asked Jamie’s roommate Susie Richfield as she wondered about her joint custody status of the four cockroaches. “We pay a lot of money to live here and there are still cockroaches. I know you can’t control residents leaving food and water out but wow, the least they can do is like, pay their share right? Look, they even have clothing now to survive the harsh winter. I would not be surprised to see a Holiday Inn and the other basic amenities of civilization in between the shelves and pantries. God knows we can’t stop people from making out during the pandemic after a year, but this is getting weird. Where is the decency? Side note, these Ritz crackers are the best thing I have ever tasted.”
After composing ourselves, we believe the cockroach issue is extremely serious, in the sense that many of them are still without little hats and mittens and we need more yarn. We are dealing with a rampage of just the cutest, smallest friends we have ever seen and they need your help. There is a crisis of cute, cozy babies and someone needs to be doing something about this.