Frat Guy Says Car He Rear-Ended Is At Fault For Going The Speed Limit

Monday evening, Florida Highway Patrol responded to a crash at the intersection of Tennessee Street and Ocala Road. At the scene, two officers discovered a rear-end collision with a “sexy” 2021 BMW and an “embarrassing to be seen with” 2010 Toyota Corolla. Blake Kaufer, the driver of the luxury lady magnet, had smashed into Lexi Johns’ feeble Toyota at an intense 60 miles per hour after the intersection light turned green. While the two luckily remained in stable condition, Kaufer’s aggressive attitude remained a constant factor in the cleanup.

“It wasn’t an accident; I did it on purpose. The light turned green and she was barely moving. Like, goooo,” Kaufer announced after re-entering his vehicle to blast “For the Night” by Pop Smoke featuring Lil Baby. “Yeah, uh, let me ask you this. How am I supposed to get to my brothers at Pike if that girl is in my way? I mean, I’m the Rush Chairman of my chapter, so if my buddies are having a pre-game before Monday Madness at Pots, I have to be there. Besides, my dad told me that it’s my God-given right to crash into anyone who isn’t going at least 10 miles over the speed limit.” 

“He said his dad was going to sue me for all my money,” said Johns, a member of FSU’s Kappa Delta sorority. “I was like, sue me? You crashed into me, dude. For no reason. You’re getting the ticket. Then he got, like, really angry and started punching his own car. Every once in a while he would try to pull up the Bill of Rights on his phone, and then he would just start mumbling in a circle. It was bizarre. Also, sue me for what money?” While the damages to the vehicles’ bumpers are fixable, Johns did not have hope for a civil resolution. “He asked for my Snapchat before he left. I refused to give it to him, and then he tried to spit on me.”

As COVID angst continues to increase along with the positive case numbers, we can only encourage everyone to pop some melatonin and chill out with the road rage. Shortly after we spoke to Johns, the two drivers began making out on top of the smushed BMW hood. And there lies the true charm of an insidious frat guy: horrifying like a car crash, but too fascinating to look away.