The 5 Bosses You Have to Defeat Before You Can See City Girls at Bajas
So, you want to Act Up and hear that Pussy Talk? Well, you’ve come to the right place (a Tallahassee strip mall), but before I can let you through, you must prove yourself. Gone are the days of free cover and paper bands; if you want to party with the likes of Yung Miami and JT then you’re going to have to Come Outside and prove you’re not just a Broke Boy by defeating the 5 Bajas Bosses.
Rocky: Owner of ASAP Smoke Shops 1&2
He’s lean, he’s mean, and he’s got a great deal on puff bars this week. In order to defeat him, you will have to navigate an intricate maze of buying weed paraphernalia without seeming sus. If you fail, he will confiscate your fake and your dignity. If you succeed, you will leave the shop with a new “waterpipe” and a map to your next location inscribed into a lighter that says “best buds” on the front.
Qwavy: Sales Representative at Designer Closet
Be careful, he may seem like a harmless sneakerhead but don’t let the fake Yeezy’s fool you; he’s more beast than hype. Your mission is to get his girlfriend Caro’s number without alerting his posse. If you succeed, call her number and the map to your next location will shoot out of the lines in Qwavy’s horribly ugly jeans. If you fail, he will shave the Supreme logo into your head and you can kiss your dating life and shitty vodka crans goodbye.
Jaz: Makeup Artist at Cali’s Beauty Supply
She’s got a cut crease sharp enough to kill and lashes long enough to strangle but her real power lies in her customer service skills. In order to defeat her, you will have to buy a new foundation without receiving any of her advice. If you get the wrong shade or let her corner you, you will be locked in the makeup chair and be forced to watch James Charles videos on loop until well after the City Girls leave the 850 and your brain is permanently damaged. If you succeed, you will leave the store with a new BFF and the clue to your next location will be in one of the 500 samples she gave you.
Lil Uzi Vert: Bouncer at Bajas
So, you’ve gotten this far. You’ve got your outfit on, your pregame was a success, the Uber driver didn’t kill you, and now all you have to do is walk through that door into the haze of smoke and strobe lights that smell like home. But first, you will have to build Uzi’s confidence back up from when JT said she’d rather drink glass than fuck the tiny rapper. If you can get past his newfound hatred of women, then you’re almost home free! If you fail, you will have to hold Lil Uzi and mommy him while you listen to all the fun you’re missing, but maybe you can steal a fry from the Happy Meal you bought him.
Coronavirus
Come on, you should have seen this one coming. Assuming you haven’t already gotten it, this is a boss you simply won’t defeat (unless you’re 65 and older which in that case, enjoy the show). Your roommates are furious, your mom is concerned, and you now have to wait in a 2-hour long line outside the Hooters to find out that clubbing in a pandemic was a shitty idea, even if you had your mask in your pocket the whole time! Sorry mate, but I hope they put on a good show because Yung Miami might be the last person you see for the next two weeks, except maybe the mean lady at Patients First.