CVS on Pensacola Street Mysteriously Out of Plan B

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Alright, horndogs. We all know Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, but there are a few telltale Tally signs in the area that alert us to the impending romantic tsunami. The air gets thicker, bars and clubs become more packed with singles, and the shapeshifting campus cats go into heat. There are few signs as clear, however, as the dwindling inventory at the Pensacola Street CVS. And no, we aren’t talking about condoms (because who in Tallahassee uses those?), we’re talking about Plan B. 

“It’s horrifying. I had no idea there were so many horny people in one city. Seeing them all come in here, looking for Plan B… it was like watching a hyena chase down a gazelle. We don’t usually stock that much of it, just a couple dozen per week, so seeing the look on people’s faces when we said we didn’t have any more was honestly heartbreaking,” said shaken pharmacy technician Noah Rivers “The thought of using a regular, non-body-destroying contraceptive legitimately terrified them. It was mostly dudes with eyes as big as the holes in their walls that came in, but I swear, I don’t think some of them even knew what a condom was. Forget COVID, I think the real pandemic going on is lack of sexual education in this city.”

“At least we’re being safe and getting it ahead of time,” said touch-starved student Joshua Greene. “Anticipating raw sex is better than just having raw sex and dealing with the aftermath later. What’s the point of Valentine’s Day if you aren’t going to make your girlfriend into a giant toaster strudel? Usually, she buys this stuff, so I didn’t even really know what Plan B looked like. I almost bought Claritin and called it a night. But, I decided to treat her this year. Last year I gave her chlamydia, so I thought she might be due for a better, more thoughtful gift. I’d rather cough up the $50 for Plan B than the $800 for an abortion, I guess.”

If you’re extra horny this Valentine’s Day, fear not. While the Pensacola Street CVS might be out of your favorite emergency contraceptive, there are pharmacies all over the city that you can raid for your 50-dollar exchange for momentary bliss. Seriously, though, if you can’t find Plan B at one pharmacy, go to another one. We don’t need any more quarantine babies. And, to all the gays out there who don’t think they need contraceptives: be safe out there. It’s a war zone.

The Eggplant FSU