Man Charged With Breaking Into Florida Capitol Described as “Juicy Hunk of a Man” by Unsuspecting Friends and Neighbors

Last Wednesday, Tallahassee Police arrested Dylan Jones for his attempt to break into the Florida Capitol. The unsuccessful burglary sparked a concerned conversation on state government security and the increasing threat to public safety made by radical instigators. While Jones’s actions pointed to an aggressive and dangerous man, the people who knew him said otherwise.

“Ugh, smokin body,” said neighbor Kathy Miller when asked about Jones. “He would stop by my house to ask what lawn service I used or if the mailman had come, but all I could think about was the meaty goodness on my doorstep. The news of his attack on the Capitol blew my mind, because how could such a beautiful man be so bad? Honestly, now that I think about it, it kind of adds to his hotness.” 

Miller wasn’t the only one to vouch for Jones. His friend Amy Davis stated she was shocked to discover he had been arrested. “When I heard the news, I froze in disbelief. He’s a juicy hunk of a man. There’s no way a guy who showed up for class, had a part time job, and turned down a Hollister modeling gig should be on trial right now. Not to mention his charity work. The man was kind enough to date fifteen girls at once, just so more people could get the Dylan experience. The cops had to have arrested the wrong guy.” 

When law enforcement asked bystander James Anderson why no one attempted to report the incident, he responded with “wait, that gorgeous man was trying to break into the Capitol? Oh, I just saw his glistening body and had this feeling like he belonged here. Like he belonged anywhere, really.” As seen in Dylan Jones’s situation, being conventionally attractive really does help your case. It’s safe to assume that pretty privilege will always transcend into free drinks and Instagram followers for hot people for generations to come.