Woman Yearns to Sit Inside at The Edison Again on a Sunday Morning

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The pandemic has had an incredible toll on Tallahassee. It’s put immense pressure on every industry to stay safe and healthy amidst a global crisis where one cough can terrify a whole room of people. Apparently every club in the city is simply immune to the disease, but it is clear to see how restaurants have changed in the past year. The Edison, the designated brunch capital of our state, is on the minds of many as the signature pancakes and extremely overpriced bar call out to visiting family and the elderly alike. For some, this is by far the worst part of the pandemic.

“I just want to get drunk on a Sunday on top of a previous landfill. Is that too much to ask for?” wondered local brunch-goer Mina Hughes “I can’t just eat breakfast and lunch separately like this anymore. I am so tired of eating micowaved food in my bed and letting Zoom play on my computer across the room. I want to be at the Edison at a table! I want to be getting way too drunk in front of my parents and eating food so drenched in butter that I might as well have been drinking milk. I miss looking out across the park and seeing the poor having a picnic or children jump off that big stage repeatedly. It has been too long since I have had a mimosa, damn it. Why can’t we all just stay inside so I can go get some decent brunch?”

“Why can’t she go have breakfast at Edison? Against the rules? What rules? Oh, the pandemic stuff. Yeah, we don’t say that word here,” says Tallahassee club spokesperson Luke McAsshole. “No disease should stop someone from enjoying the most important thing in life like brunch or blacking out at a club. I speak for Pot-I mean….Round Tummies….when I say that every establishment should lift any and all safety protocol. The Edison, specifically, should just take everyone they can and capitalize on the famous “Brunch Rush” every Sunday. Yeah, people might die, but think about how much money there is to be made of alcohol and fancier Denny’s meals! Why not take advantage of the lack of brunch restaurants?”

The Edison declined any and all commentary unless our writers bought a drink first. We’re broke and prefer the worst kinds of Barefoot so we settled on assuming they did not plan on lifting any of their rules, mainly because customers dying with mammosa in hand looks pretty bad on them. Can’t have the appeal of a mimosa dropping like that.

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